Two things: I love Austin, TX and I hate the Zone Diet.

I have returned!

Guys, last week, I had the most AWESOME pleasure of attending the annual Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest paleo event of the year. Everybody that's anybody is there, essentially. And I have soooooo many highlights to share: I had my fangirl moments with my paleo gurus (like Melissa Hartwig (whoa!), Melissa Joulwan (omg!), and Michelle Tam (no way!), to name a few. Then, I got to attend seminars held by none other than Robb Wolf, and Mark Sisson. And, of course, got to circle the vendor's expo floor and taste-test a thousand samples of all the most yummy "paleo-approved" snacks. I swear, my spending money was spent on food to bring back to Cayman alone. Crazy.

Outside of the conference, my mom and I got a lot of time to explore Austin itself and we honestly had THE BEST fun. First of all, can I say how much I freaken love Austin. It is such a stellar city. I would move there in a heart beat. We explored so many awesome food places, shopping spots (including Whole Foods, of course), and even some main outdoor attractions (yes, like the famous Barton Springs...that I jumped into....and froze to death). I am beyond grateful that she came with me on this trip. This was my time to let her see "my world" (my paleo life) from the sources themselves (the paleo experts) and make her own conclusions from it. It was so cool to see her absorb information and talk to me about it later asking me questions like, "So, if Mark Sisson eats legumes, does that mean I can too?" No, Mom. That's just him. He had to take a long time to discover the paleo diet that worked for him. Which brings me to my next point...

This conference was a breath of fresh air to hear this repeated over and over and over again from various speakers: There is no such thing as the perfect paleo diet. You must find what works for you. I would agree 100%. The only catch with that statement is that finding out what works for me requires time. Patience. And then more time. And then more patience.

I hate time and patience.

If I can continue on the honesty train, I must say how much the conference made me realize how much I hate The Zone Diet. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a way of eating that requires every macronutrient on your plate to be weighed and measured. Meaning, everything you put on your plate is weighed and measured according to your gender and body size. When I completed my Whole60, Matt had me experiment with zoning for about a month, taking my weight at the end of my first week experimentation trial. He never shared any of the results with me along the way until the end of the month, and now I know why...

At the end of the month, he told me I had lost about 8 pounds, about 6-8 inches, and about 6% body fat. That. is. crazy. Do you have any idea, any idea, how long I've been trying to get results like that? Even after doing Whole30/60, I didn't have results like that physically--I was definitely significantly healed on the inside and my mental/emotional health towards food was so much healthier, but I can't say I was satisfied with how I looked physically. Doing zone after Whole30/60 showed me that the first step is understanding what to eat (which is where the Whole30 comes in), and then the second step is understanding how much of that good food you are to eat (which is where The Zone Diet comes in).

So when I got these results, what do you think happened to me psychologically?

Fear. Anxiety. Pressure. Unsustainable standards.

Since I heard those results, I've been living in a place of constant fear, constant worry, and self-asserted pressure, which makes me just end up having a joyless paleo life. I've become resentful of cooking, of food in general, and that's not like me. My mindset is, "I want to put more guacamole or coconut butter with this meal, but I can't," "I want to have more chicken than this, but I can't," all these statements being focused on the can't just ends up making me angry and takes me right back to the dark place I remember before my Whole30--being in the kitchen, nibbling on different foods (Whole30-approved food or not), and binging. Thinking to myself, screw this, I'm eating whatever I want, however much I want...with a spoon dipped into the jar of coconut butter. That doesn't help anyone either.

So what am I to do?

I want results, don't I? I want to continue seeing that kind of data produced by eating this way, don't I? But then is this way of eating really and truly better for me? Isn't the point of a wholesome life to be stressed less and have joy in what I fuel myself with? It's a sick cycle, because zoning makes me feel more in control of my results, but feel upset I have to weigh and measure every single ounce of everything and feel like I'm in "healthy living jail," as Melissa Joulwan put it. Then the other side of the coin, not zoning makes me feel like I'm going to over eat (yeah, you can over eat healthy food), and thus, gain weight/body fat and remain stuck and further away from my goals. However, I must say I was happier as far as focusing on a balanced and whole-living lifestyle when I wasn't focused on zoning my meals. I had more fun in the kitchen, more creativity sparking my skills, and felt more balanced in other areas of my life.

The only reason I zone is for my aesthetic goals, and I believe those are valid.

Everybody has some sort of aesthetic goal. I just think I've come to a place where I no longer understand how to pursue that goal healthily; pursue that goal in a way that makes me happy along the way. I'm just sick of the "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" feeling. I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm scared that the only way to achieve the kind of results I want is through zoning alone, having to achieve what I want joylessly. I'm scared that if I just focus on the way I lived during my Whole30, that won't be enough. It will definitely make me healthier, but it won't bring me closer to weight/body fat loss.

How? Well, my body is used to eating healthy foods now, so it's not as easy to lose weight, which is why zoning worked so well the first time, because it was a shock to my system, to eat such smaller portions.

Sigh. All this thinking makes me end up being even more resentful than when I started this journal entry. The overwhelming desire to just throw my hands up in the air and say it doesn't matter anymore anyway is very present, and I don't want to go back to that place. I can't undo what I've worked so hard for, establishing the habits that have changed me mentally. I can't just throw that away. I have to find a way to regain balance, and thus, regain happiness.

Jesus, I need to know where You fit into all of this, because all these thoughts do is consume me, so I bring them to you. I bring all of my frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, and confusion to you and ask for you to sort through it for me. Show me the way you want me to live my life in regards to food and fitness that makes me have that abundant life you promised. I need you to be the center of this for me or it's not even worth it at all. I need help. I need guidance from this place of consuming frustration and self-harming actions. I lay it at your feet and ask for your help in forgiving myself and refocusing my goals, and clearing my mind to know what to do to have that wholesome life you have for me.

Chosen

A simple, but not so simple thought that will forever ring true for every single soul on the planet:

Everybody wants to be loved. 

Everybody wants to feel they're worth something, that they're worth loving, that they're worth being chosen. 

Do you have any idea how amazing it is to know that God chose us? As I sit here at work, thinking about where I am in my life, who I am, what I've been blessed with, the hard times I've gone through, the amazing things I've received in my life......the one thing that stands out to me the most is that I have tasted and seen God's love for me. Nothing else could ever matter more to me than that.

And to think about the flip side...

I could have died never knowing about Jesus' love for me.

And not just the kind of flaky knowledge of Jesus loving everyone, but actually knowing that it's personal. He chose me. If it were up to me, I would have chosen myself. Heck, I still do most times! But to know that I have been chosen, set apart, because Jesus has way more for me than I can ever imagine...it makes me so fulfilled.

But getting back to the flip side of the story...

My heart breaks for those that never knew, or never will know what it means to be chosen by God. He chose us, everyone. Yet, people still die everyday never knowing Him, never knowing all that he has for them, never knowing His love, His embrace, His smile, His touch, His personal and all-powerful, unwavering love for each of us.

Man, if my heart hurts from that thought, I can't imagine God's heart.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you..."

John 15:16

I want to be the weakest me ever.

I have this workout journal that I use to log my workouts every day, and at the top of each page, there's always some motivating quote. When I was thumbing through it a few days ago, I came across one that stayed with me: "Never let your lack of strength be mistaken for weakness."

A bit puzzling isn't it?

I mean, in the line of work I do (a.k.a Crossfit), performance is everything; it's a performance-based sport. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Perform? Be the best we can be by exhibiting strength we never thought we were capable of?

But that's not necessarily the entire equation, or definition, of what strength actually is. Not being able to perform in this sport as prescribed by the workout of the day has nothing to do with my strength. I may lack the physical strength to perform a 300# deadlift, but you can bet that I am strong and fully empowered in heart. And I'll keep working until my deadlift is 305#. The strong in heart is the one that always comes out on top.

But sometimes, it's not always that simple...

This past Saturday morning, I did the following workout:

15 min. AMRAP of:

7 95# Push Presses
10 95# Overhead Squats
25 Sit-ups

That. Was. Heavy.

That. Hurt. A lot.

I am definitely not used to doing that kind of weight. And my coach told me before I started that he's not looking for me to complete a bunch of rounds, because the weight is heavier this time. I heard him, but not fully, because once the clock went off, and I felt that heaviness, I was challenged to a whole new level. Everything that I was feeling emotionally inside that had been there from all the various situations in my life came to the forefront. I completed 3 rounds + 3 reps, and crashed on the floor with a heavy lump in my throat from tears.

Why?

Honestly, I really don't know.

Whether we realize it or not, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations every single day. We're conditioned to believe that we always have to be more. Just more. You got your first pull-up? Awesome! Now do 10 in a row. You lost 8 pounds? Way to go! Now lose 8 more.

If you were a coach, would you ever talk to a client like this? Absolutely not. So, what's the difference in talking to a client and talking to yourself? How come we are able to place ridiculous expectations on ourselves thinking that's normal, but we know that would be ludicrous to speak to someone else like that....

There is NEVER any satisfaction of celebrating the milestones. There is NEVER a moment where you can just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're happy with where you are while you're working for what you want. Never. There is always more to be worked on. And in the moment of lifting that 95#, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm lifting a weight that used to be impossible for me (as in, I couldn't get that bar up at all at one point in my life). I wasn't thinking about the fact that I was doing all 10 reps of those overhead squats in a row without putting the bar down. No. I was too busy thinking about how I just longed to be more than I already am.

But you know what?

Funny enough, Jesus says something completely different. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Jesus wants me to be weak. He actually doesn't want me to be strong. That's hard to swallow, because I've been told to be strong my whole life. But, I must say, nothing has ever ended well when I've relied on my own strength, or understanding. The world says to be more, but I have a God that doesn't care about how "perfect" I am. He doesn't care about my ability or inability to perform in and outside of the gym, in life, in my kitchen, anywhere...he loves me with an unwavering devotion for just simply being, not because I had to earn it or deserve it, work for it, and fear losing it...nope. Again, that's hard to swallow. But man....God, thank You for this kind of freedom.

It's been my heart's prayer that I can bring my performance anxiety (my stressful pressure from myself to be perfect in all things) to Jesus every day, multiple times a day, and one day, truly feel that freedom in my heart of hearts.

Jesus loves the fact that I am strong in heart, and even physically strong. He blessed me with that ability. But, more than anything, he wants my broken, contrite, weak heart in every area that I've left untouched.

It's funny because I work day in and day out to become stronger, and at the same time, also make sure I remain the weakest me ever so I can allow Jesus to remain that Rock I need in my life, because God only knows I can't and never will be able to rescue myself. Thank God for grace, and the fact that God doesn't place the same expectations that I place on myself too often.

Guest Post: Bri continues to slay the sugar dragon

 Bri and I ready for my prom, circa 2010

8 years of sisterhood :)
Bri's birthday, August 2014

I cannot begin to describe to you all how much Brianna Wilkerson means to me. She's been my dearest friend through the thickest and thinnest times of my life, remained steadfast and faithful to me by the grace of God, and could NOT be any more of my twin (for real, though). And because she's been my partner in anything that matters to me in my life, she was certainly there for me during my first and second Whole30.

Both of us have quite amazing and redeeming stories, which we know are God-given and have been fashioned in a way to be inspirational to others for their own life. Best of all, Bri and I definitely know that we have a future together in continuing to help others receive that victory they so badly long for in this restrictive, manipulative, and condemning world called food addiction/self-hatred.

That being said!...She is in the middle of doing Dianne Sanfilippo's 21 Day Sugar Detox, a program made for those wanting to reset their taste-buds/cravings/body and know that they don't need to rely on sugar all of the time. Bri has DEFINITELY received freedom from the Whole30 program as far as her cravings go and knows what real freedom is because of it. However, it can get easy to have food on your plate, even though it's all Whole30/paleo-approved, that may not be for nutritional reasons, but more out of habit...or using fruit as a way of feeding your sugar craving when you're hungry, upset, tired, lonely, etc. and not really wanting it for nutritional purposes. Remember, it's all about intention and the reasons why you are putting something on your plate.

Bri has been doing an undoubtedly outstanding job walking in her new habits with these yummy REAL foods on her plate, but wanted to challenge herself further and prove that she actually doesn't need certain foods all the time, even if they are 100% paleo/Whole30 approved.

SO! I interviewed her to tell me about the program, what she's doing, and why she's doing it.

Please visit her awesome blog to read our interview and best of all, learn about this incredible woman that I look up to so much in my life. We're in this together, and we hope you will stand with us and walk alongside us as we navigate life as well, humbly because of Jesus.

Love you all.

Challenged by my idols

I once saw a post on my Instagram saying, "The greatest tragedy of all is to have lived and died without knowing how good the body was designed to feel." And of course, in the background of this text, you see the sweaty, chiseled back of a tall, muscular blonde girl pressing the barbell overhead. 

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

I mean, I watch people day in and day out have trouble walking from their cars to the door of the grocery store…I see doctors and nurses struggling to fit into their scrubs because they’re too overweight…I can’t help but wonder how uncomfortable, how discouraged, how unhappy they must feel.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not judging, I’m not criticizing. In fact, I’m very defensive of this topic because of the way people generally judge “fat people” claiming that it’s all their fault. Don’t even get me started with that, because that will have to be a separate post altogether for that rant (soon to come).

No, today, my heart is left wondering about how much emphasis is placed on the temporary, but not on the eternal.

I publicly admit right here on my blog/journal that Crossfit, paleo, Whole30, the body itself are my idols. I place them before Christ. I would jump to go do a Crossfit workout before I would jump to go to Bible study. I would spend hours in the kitchen cooking/recipe browsing before I would go have some quiet time with Jesus.

Why is that? Why do I do this? Why?!

I’m really happy Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15, NLT).

Another post I saw on my Instagram said it best, “The greatest tragedy would be to become so fit in this life and die being unfit for the King.” Talk about being challenged beyond words. My heart is guilty, super guilty.

It’s like I’m caught in-between these worlds—one world presenting so many demands to my time and the other world presenting how wrong I am to not spend enough time on the things that count the most. Now, don’t get my wrong, I know that Jesus has placed these passions that I’ve named on my heart for a reason. If there has been anything I’ve ever been more sure of, it’s what I know I am meant to do in this life and I know I’m right where I belong—being a coach, a mentor, a friend for those who are enslaved to their ideas of what health really is and letting food rule their life. I’ve spent my whole life getting it wrong, and trying to figure out how to exercise, how to live properly with my body, and how to eat. Now, I know the truth and know freedom personally. All I want to do is share it so others can experience it too.

But…perhaps too much focus on my passions, too much time being spent on these things isn’t a good thing. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, right? I just don’t know how to make that change. So much of my identity itself is caught up in my passions that I don’t know how to find my identity in Christ, where it really should be found.

I’m guilty of wanting to spend so much of my time pouring over learning how to develop myself surround all the temporary things in life (but still matter), but then have a fruitless tree over in my Jesus garden. That’s not good. That’s not good at all.

I see the need, but honestly, I’m such a Paul…I hate that I don’t get it right and don’t know how to get it right.

It's beyond food.

I get excited about my food. I get excited about what I'm going to make for dinner, what I can pack myself for lunch, what recipes I can look up during my day, what cool creations I can throw together, what I'm going to buy at the store that week...

I get excited about my food.

But before, that is, before Whole30, food was my source of comfort. I mean, yeah, it was a lot more to me than comfort, but there was CERTAINLY this emotional dependency on food (read my entire story if you want to get a better idea of how bad it was). The success or failure of my diet became my identity, that's all there really was to me. And honestly, there was DEFINITELY a point in time when I never, ever, ever pictured myself abstaining from treats for more than a week much less 60+ days. 

But today, that changed. 

Today, for the first time in over 60 days, I had my first "treat." Now, remember, "treats" to me used to be my moment of release, freedom, if you will. However, I learned that viewing a moment in time of me eating food (of poor quality and great quantity) that will end up making me sick to my stomach and mentally screwed up is hardly freedom at all; in fact, it isn't. I was nervous of that happening again when I had made the decision to make my treat this time around. But, I knew there was no way it could mess me up like the old treats did. Why? Because I am no longer the person I used to be. It's that simple.

My treat today was homemade ice cream--made of frozen bananas, coconut milk and melted pure dark chocolate drizzled on top. It was heavenly, to say the LEAST! I was giggling with excitement to the point that I wanted to tear up! And I realized that the reason why I was so excited was because the fear I had always had when had when eating a treat, the guilt that always accompanied it, was no more. There was no power over me. I'm in charge and I owned that title for the first time today. I made a treat and I wasn't sinking into a dark hole within a few minutes after eating it. That is huge! In all seriousness, it was incredible to me because for the first time, I ate something out of genuine desire, and not out of help/emotion/stress/therapy/dependency/addiction and was able to walk away after eating it and be truly satisfied, not crying for more.

Again, that is huge.

Before I made my treat, I had a fabulous lunch, grassfed burgers with a piece of plantain on each patty, zucchini slices rubbed in herbs, and sautéed onions and mushrooms. YUM. Absolute YUM.

Then, I made oven-roasted tomatoes from nomnompaleo's recipe. I was thumbing through her cookbook and came to the page with the yummy-looking tomatoes, and decided to make it on the fly today with my local, fresh plum tomatoes. :) Yay, local. The only difference was that I used a mix of Italian Seasoning that contains basil, oregano, rosemary, thyme, etc. as well as garlic powder. She says she uses basil or thyme, but any combination of spices like this will work. In three words...

They. were. spectacular.

Oh. my. gosh.

Okay, so 6 words.

To wrap this up, I named this post "It's beyond food" because I'm happy to say that this freedom I am talking about that I experienced while preparing/eating my treat, is the same freedom I feel in knowing that the reason why I'm so healthy, and doing so well are for reasons beyond just food.

Of course, food plays the foundation of all things (to quote Melissa and Dallas Hartwig, It Starts With Food, as in, everything starts with food). But, there are a ton of other reasons why I'm feeling at my best, more than I ever have before...balance. It's a balance between my recovery, my exercise, my temperance, my play, my sleep, my personal growth...And yes, of course there is a ton of room for growth because I'm not perfect (as you read my downcast-oh-my-soul post previously). But, I know that I'm happy with who I am because I am, for the first time, understanding what it means to love myself beyond having the perfect plate of food, but genuinely taking care of myself with other factors of life that mean just as much as nutrition.

Wow, this has been quite the insightful weekend. 

It's Happy Easter everyday, not just this weekend. You know why? Because Jesus died and rose again for this freedom that I'm speaking about. It might not mean much to you, but if there is anything you must understand in life, it is that food holds great, great power...to heal or to destroy (well, those kinds of foods aren't even considered food, but you get it). I lived enslaved to food my whole life and that reality honestly has become a social norm in our world today. So many don't see the issue with the food on their plate, the American food industry, bla bla bla. It's funny because if you are deciding to be healthy, you get looks from people, but nobody bats an eyelash when you stuff yourself with beer and pizza every night. Jesus died for that too. Jesus died for people like me who felt like they had no hope for change. And to bring freedom into the world, He rose again. God cares about my story. If he didn't care, Jesus wouldn't have rose again to bring that freedom, that grace, that love back into the world. 

And although I fail Him daily, I do know that my freedom that I'm telling you about today is because of Him. Not because of Whole30, because Whole30 is a tool, an instrumental branch in God's mighty orchestra that God used as an avenue to reach me down in my pit of despair. 

That being said, please enjoy these collages of my fun this weekend, where freedom lives.

Food.

Temperance.

Faithless and complacent

You know what I have never been able to truly come to terms with? The fact that I’m not perfect. My life has been everything but perfect. I know it sounds silly, because you know deep down that no one is perfect, and you know that each person has their share of problems, but it’s really hard to remember that when all you see is the person doing great, being so incredibly successful and have an amazing personality. Yes, I would say that I’m definitely envious of certain friends in my life, because they always seem to have it altogether so often. It’s like you want to scream from anger because you feel like you can’t ever be able to match up, get ahead, arrive, if you will.

Today is Good Friday. And out of the long list of fun things you can do on this holiday, there is one thing that you should never neglect: reflection of the cross, reflection of what Jesus really did for you, for me, for the world. Now, growing up in Cayman, a small, religious community, you hear this all the time; you hear the story of Jesus and the Gospel to the point of viewing it just as a story instead of freedom-giving, life-changing truth. You kinda just tune it out after awhile or don’t take it seriously because so many people try to shove the story down your throat and preach religion instead of love. It’s disappointing and heartbreaking to see the way Jesus gets pushed to the backburner day after day and how so many never stop to investigate the reality of Jesus for themselves. They probably either don’t understand the relevance of Him in their life, or don’t really believe that they could be changed in the first place. And honestly…

I would have to agree with them.

My whole life has been about perfectionism. The perfect grades, the perfect body, the perfect weight, the perfect hair, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect intern, the perfect Christian...and you know what? I’m sick of it. I’m beyond sick of it. I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t even know who I am anymore, or maybe I never really did. I have allowed so many other things to rule my life and then expect myself to live my life perfectly with those things in charge.

I watch T.V. to distract myself from the reality of my own problems. Normal, I suppose, but not to the point of never actually spending time with Jesus and growing with Him.

I have this dual personality among my two groups of friends, my Christian friends and then my non-Christian friends. I’m one way with them and then another way with the other. And you know what? It’s not like I’m afraid to share my faith, it’s that I don’t want to call myself a Christian in front of them and then be held to the judgment standards when I mess up, when I live less than perfect. Guess what guys? I curse. I do. I curse more out of habit now than before, and I’m trying to work on that, but yeah, I curse. I don’t like it, but it’s a problem I have. After years of stressing myself out to the point of explosion, cursing seemed to suffice in the self-expression department. But what do non-Christians say about that? She’s a Christian? Yeah, right. See? That’s why I don’t do the whole Christian thing because they always say one thing and do another. They’re not really who they say they are. Well, I can’t really blame them. It’s like the whole shoving religion down my throat thing that every single child received growing up in Cayman—people claiming to come in the name of this god and then the real god and then they’re out at the club that night. Would you be inspired at that point? No. Neither would I.

I feel like I’m all over the place here, but what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I have this gaping hole in the middle of my identity (if it were a tangible thing). I fill myself with all these things that I think make me more fulfilled and all it ends up doing is leaving me more confused, more upset, more unfulfilled, more empty. But I don’t seek Jesus to fix that hole. I leave it. I give up on it because I believe it won’t ever go away. I believe deep down that I’ll always be in this place of wondering if I am truly saved in the first place (if I were truly saved, wouldn’t I be doing way better?), or wondering if Jesus is for me just as much as He is for my Christian friends that seem to have the perfect life from the outside looking in.

I’ve treated Jesus like a hyped-up fad, so popular one moment, and then forgetful the next. My whole life has been about coming to Jesus in the best way I understood at the time, running away, Him calling me back, me returning, and then becoming complacent, and then distracted and thus, disconnected from the Vine, and the cycle repeats itself. I am the queen of placing idols before Christ. And it makes me driven to the point of madness and absolute infuriation because if I truly did accept Jesus for who I believed in Him to be, would I live this way? What’s with my unfaithfulness? It’s so immature and further proves the point that I bear very little spiritual fruit. I bet if you asked me how I was doing with my paleo/food/Whole30/Crossfit passions, I could show you tons of fruit that I’ve produced from growth. But guess what? Those things are temporary.

How come I can devote so much of myself to things that are temporary but I can’t reach the place of fulfillment and joy to the things that last forever?

I have allowed myself to adopt the idea that I will never grow, that things will never change, that I’ll always be this mediocre Christian and never really be fully happy deep down. I’ve given up. I must have, otherwise I wouldn’t allow so many things to demand so much of my time and energy that distract me.

I want to be able to comfort myself, but I honestly just don’t know how.