That one time at the Paleo Conference in Austin, TX...

So, in honor of "Throwback Thursday," even though I don't do that, like ever, I decided to post (almost one year later, haha) some of my favorite highlights from the 2015 Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, TX my mom and I went to. 

This trip was amazing for like 400 different reasons, but a lot of them revolve around how many awesome memories my mom and I have from being able to go to this new place together and explore this fantastic city. I don't think we've ever had a "mother-daughter trip" before this one, and it was in honor of me getting to go and meet the people who helped shape my health for what it is today. 

We had so many awesome moments in and out of this conference. I learned about myself, about my mom, about eating real food for the rest of my life...it really got emotional at some points. Then, there was some adventure at other points, like when I jumped into a freezing fresh water spring (Barton Springs Pool). Or, when we went driving for God knows how long trying to find the Reebok Outlet store to find my mom a pair of CrossFit Nanos. Or, when we drove to this yummy Mexican restaurant, Abuelo's, then went to this grass-fed cow dairy ice cream parlor place called Lick, combined with the awesome pumpkin spice lattes we had earlier in the day from Picnik (another awesome grass-fed cow dairy/paleo-friendly place)....yeah, we had to pull over on the way home in a Target parking lot so I could puke for about 20 minutes. Then, again in the hotel parking lot...then again in the hotel room....that was fun. 

But hey, still an awesome trip with such unforgettable memories. 

Let me recap the conference "gurus"...

 Meeting Melissa and Dallas Hartwig of the Whole30 Program was just an unbelievable dream come true. I would have to say that above every other "guru" of the health world, their program made the most impacting and lasting change for my life. If you've read my earlier blog posts, you can see a letter I wrote to Melissa Hartwig explaining how much of an impact Whole30 has had on my life AND I got to give her that letter face-to-face at this conference! 

And of course...I cried like a dork when I gave her the letter, and she teared up too. Yay for us. :)

My super nerd face is showing, and I love it!

Hopdoddy Burgers....let's just say there's a reason why the line wraps around the building every single night. DEFINITELY going back there. 

Robb Wolf--the man that started it all. Robb was the first Paleo "guru" I ever heard of when I came to this "eat real food" world. He's a genius and has an extensive background in exercise science, but the most important points that I live by from his research when it comes to my fitness and health are these: a) How do I look? b) How do I feel? c) How do I perform? 

The answer to these questions determines if I'm healthy or not...not a body fat percentage or number on the scale. 

George Bryant of the Civilized Caveman blog. Love his attitude, his outlook on life, and his energetic love for eating well. 

 Melissa Joulwan, author of the cookbooks Well Fed and Well Fed 2.

Awesome woman, like...awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome woman. I came to this conference looking for more knowledge on how to continue living a paleo lifestyle and not only did I gain knowledge on how to do that, but I somehow also realized I subconsciously went looking for validation from these "gurus." It's like I went wanting them to pat me on the back and tell me they're proud of the changes I've made in the past 2 years. Once I realized that, it was Melissa that helped me understand that if I don't love every step of figuring out this journey, including the not-so-hot moments, none of this will last. 

The famous spray-painted words on the outside wall of Jo's Coffeeshop. Perfect photo-op. 

MICHELLE TAM! of Nom Nom Paleo (one of the best paleo blogs and cookbooks EVER). Again, one of the first people I ever started following for this paleo lifestyle and has made me love food even more...real food that is. :)

Mark Sisson, author of the Primal Blueprint, and creator of the primal blog, Mark's Daily Apple.  

He taught me that Paleo is not a religion. It's supposed to be something that enhances your life, not stresses it out more. So figure out what works for you and stick with that unless it changes, again, and move on accordingly. Not everything has to be a cookie-cutter template and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to have the Justin's dark chocolate peanut butter cup on a day that's not your treat meal.....

Two things: I love Austin, TX and I hate the Zone Diet.

I have returned!

Guys, last week, I had the most AWESOME pleasure of attending the annual Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest paleo event of the year. Everybody that's anybody is there, essentially. And I have soooooo many highlights to share: I had my fangirl moments with my paleo gurus (like Melissa Hartwig (whoa!), Melissa Joulwan (omg!), and Michelle Tam (no way!), to name a few. Then, I got to attend seminars held by none other than Robb Wolf, and Mark Sisson. And, of course, got to circle the vendor's expo floor and taste-test a thousand samples of all the most yummy "paleo-approved" snacks. I swear, my spending money was spent on food to bring back to Cayman alone. Crazy.

Outside of the conference, my mom and I got a lot of time to explore Austin itself and we honestly had THE BEST fun. First of all, can I say how much I freaken love Austin. It is such a stellar city. I would move there in a heart beat. We explored so many awesome food places, shopping spots (including Whole Foods, of course), and even some main outdoor attractions (yes, like the famous Barton Springs...that I jumped into....and froze to death). I am beyond grateful that she came with me on this trip. This was my time to let her see "my world" (my paleo life) from the sources themselves (the paleo experts) and make her own conclusions from it. It was so cool to see her absorb information and talk to me about it later asking me questions like, "So, if Mark Sisson eats legumes, does that mean I can too?" No, Mom. That's just him. He had to take a long time to discover the paleo diet that worked for him. Which brings me to my next point...

This conference was a breath of fresh air to hear this repeated over and over and over again from various speakers: There is no such thing as the perfect paleo diet. You must find what works for you. I would agree 100%. The only catch with that statement is that finding out what works for me requires time. Patience. And then more time. And then more patience.

I hate time and patience.

If I can continue on the honesty train, I must say how much the conference made me realize how much I hate The Zone Diet. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a way of eating that requires every macronutrient on your plate to be weighed and measured. Meaning, everything you put on your plate is weighed and measured according to your gender and body size. When I completed my Whole60, Matt had me experiment with zoning for about a month, taking my weight at the end of my first week experimentation trial. He never shared any of the results with me along the way until the end of the month, and now I know why...

At the end of the month, he told me I had lost about 8 pounds, about 6-8 inches, and about 6% body fat. That. is. crazy. Do you have any idea, any idea, how long I've been trying to get results like that? Even after doing Whole30/60, I didn't have results like that physically--I was definitely significantly healed on the inside and my mental/emotional health towards food was so much healthier, but I can't say I was satisfied with how I looked physically. Doing zone after Whole30/60 showed me that the first step is understanding what to eat (which is where the Whole30 comes in), and then the second step is understanding how much of that good food you are to eat (which is where The Zone Diet comes in).

So when I got these results, what do you think happened to me psychologically?

Fear. Anxiety. Pressure. Unsustainable standards.

Since I heard those results, I've been living in a place of constant fear, constant worry, and self-asserted pressure, which makes me just end up having a joyless paleo life. I've become resentful of cooking, of food in general, and that's not like me. My mindset is, "I want to put more guacamole or coconut butter with this meal, but I can't," "I want to have more chicken than this, but I can't," all these statements being focused on the can't just ends up making me angry and takes me right back to the dark place I remember before my Whole30--being in the kitchen, nibbling on different foods (Whole30-approved food or not), and binging. Thinking to myself, screw this, I'm eating whatever I want, however much I want...with a spoon dipped into the jar of coconut butter. That doesn't help anyone either.

So what am I to do?

I want results, don't I? I want to continue seeing that kind of data produced by eating this way, don't I? But then is this way of eating really and truly better for me? Isn't the point of a wholesome life to be stressed less and have joy in what I fuel myself with? It's a sick cycle, because zoning makes me feel more in control of my results, but feel upset I have to weigh and measure every single ounce of everything and feel like I'm in "healthy living jail," as Melissa Joulwan put it. Then the other side of the coin, not zoning makes me feel like I'm going to over eat (yeah, you can over eat healthy food), and thus, gain weight/body fat and remain stuck and further away from my goals. However, I must say I was happier as far as focusing on a balanced and whole-living lifestyle when I wasn't focused on zoning my meals. I had more fun in the kitchen, more creativity sparking my skills, and felt more balanced in other areas of my life.

The only reason I zone is for my aesthetic goals, and I believe those are valid.

Everybody has some sort of aesthetic goal. I just think I've come to a place where I no longer understand how to pursue that goal healthily; pursue that goal in a way that makes me happy along the way. I'm just sick of the "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" feeling. I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm scared that the only way to achieve the kind of results I want is through zoning alone, having to achieve what I want joylessly. I'm scared that if I just focus on the way I lived during my Whole30, that won't be enough. It will definitely make me healthier, but it won't bring me closer to weight/body fat loss.

How? Well, my body is used to eating healthy foods now, so it's not as easy to lose weight, which is why zoning worked so well the first time, because it was a shock to my system, to eat such smaller portions.

Sigh. All this thinking makes me end up being even more resentful than when I started this journal entry. The overwhelming desire to just throw my hands up in the air and say it doesn't matter anymore anyway is very present, and I don't want to go back to that place. I can't undo what I've worked so hard for, establishing the habits that have changed me mentally. I can't just throw that away. I have to find a way to regain balance, and thus, regain happiness.

Jesus, I need to know where You fit into all of this, because all these thoughts do is consume me, so I bring them to you. I bring all of my frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, and confusion to you and ask for you to sort through it for me. Show me the way you want me to live my life in regards to food and fitness that makes me have that abundant life you promised. I need you to be the center of this for me or it's not even worth it at all. I need help. I need guidance from this place of consuming frustration and self-harming actions. I lay it at your feet and ask for your help in forgiving myself and refocusing my goals, and clearing my mind to know what to do to have that wholesome life you have for me.

Day 0: Whole30 goals, dreams, prayers, fears and all in between

So, as part of my pre-Whole30 preparation, I have been instructed to write down my goals, my fears, my expectations, etc. before starting this journey tomorrow. Today, day 0, the calm before the storm. Okay, seriously? Stop it. Thinking about this 30 day process like that will only make me enter viewing it like a child having their toy taken away for a month, not rehabilitation, which is what this actually is. It's for my own good, so suck it up, Buttercup, and stop thinking about it as something painful or impossible.

First thing is first: goals. Goals made should be attainable/doable, specific and detailed. Say the goal and how you plan to accomplish it.

My Whole30 Goals:

I want to my own Whole30 to be about healing. It is one of my goals to remember this fact every day, for the next 30 days and beyond. 

1) I will plan out each of my meals to the best of my ability and ensure that they are prepared ahead of time so that no emotional breakdowns occur due to hunger. My plan of action includes me thinking of what I'll eat for dinner the night before so I can prepare accordingly by defrosting the protein, etc. in the morning before work, cutting vegetables already, etc. Also, I plan to pack my snacks for work in the morning before I head out.

2) I will get at least 6-8 hours of sleep every single night; good sleep, before midnight.

3) I will not include fruit juice as a part of my challenge, even though it is allowed. The reason for this decision is because I know that I personally use fruit/fruit juice as my replacement when I'm craving sugar, so I want to step away from that, cutting off my source, cold-turkey.

4) I will have some fruit (low in sugar) during my 30 days, but only every other day. My focus is to engage in vegetables as much as possible, especially green vegetables.

5) I will "reward" myself once a week with a starchy carb of my choice after a workout. I don't usually eat them because I'm trying to lose weight and they're more friendly to people that are already at their goal body composition. My plan is to cook this rewarding treat after my Saturday morning workouts and include it with my brunch or breakfast. I'm already daydreaming about the Paleo Diner-Style Home Fries made by Melissa Joulwan on her blog, The Clothes Make The Girl (check her out!). I can't wait to make them!

6) I have learned from previous experience that fat actually does make you fat...when you have too much of it on your plate. Crossfit trainers and paleo eaters will say that fat doesn't make you fat, carbs makes you fat and that is 100% true. However, I know I was overdoing it on my portions sizes with fat. I needed to stay full at each meal, so I figured that I should put a lot of it, what was the harm? But, fat happens to be dense. 20 almonds is crazy for a snack because it has tons of calories; yes, good calories, but calories nonetheless. I know during my Whole30 I have to stick to "dollop" avocado/guac portions, or very minimal amounts of mixed nuts (macadamia and cashews preferably), and my oils to be 1-2 tbsp.

7) Avoiding: dried fruit, fruit juice, goat cheese, sheep's milk, mixed nuts.

8) What is one thing a week that I can do to de-stress and celebrate me that is not associated with food? Pick one thing each week and do it. Ex: Going to the beach and tanning, having tea outside in the afternoon, reading, getting a massage, etc.

My Whole30 Dreams and Prayers:

To be free.

Of course there are the surface dreams of loss in body weight, body fat, toned body (I know that I won't look like my trainers in 30 days, but hey, one can dream about it, haha). And then there's the dream of just feeling better in general. I don't know how to explain it other than just not feeling good. I don't feel well. I don't feel like my body is my own. I feel heavy, bloated, grouchy, depressed, upset, anxious, negative, constipated and tired, really tired. It sucks.

The part that is most deceptive about feeling this bad is that I still seem to do pretty okay in my workouts; I move well, move fairly quickly, PR in pretty much each lift, but when I take a look at my external and pay attention to how my insides feel, nothing has changed. I've plateaued. I haven't moved in loss of body fat and weight in months even with me eating paleo 95% of the time (and the other 5% being overcarbsumption during my treat meals). Something's wrong. Something's out of whack. I'm tired of it, and yet I am still so very much enslaved to these cravings. I think the scariest part about all of this is knowing exactly what that cinnamon roll, frozen yogurt, brownie, cookie, cheesecake and pizza do to me with all its grains, sugar and dairy and I still choose to eat it. I still say yes, somehow justifying it in the moment and have NOTHING but regret afterwards. I don't know how it happens. I don't know why I can't understand these foods for what they really are and walk away. I'm a drug addict and I sneak around and keep it a secret from everyone and scurry around for extra money to support the habit. It's pathetic. It's scary. It's real.

And finally, my biggest dream, my biggest prayer is to be free from these cravings, to be in full control of my own body, my own mind and not be held captive by false desires. I so badly desire healing. I want healing in my gut, I want healing in my blood, my mind, my heart, my bones, my skin, my hair, my intestines, my everywhere.

I know it might sound weird, but somehow, I do picture the future me and she isn't like this Nikki that sits here right now. I picture myself more committed to my diet, more committed to my health, stronger mentally, encouraged, inspirational and not feeling so hypocritical, athletically fit, and just...happy. So, am I going to be happy when I "arrive" at the body I want? I hope not. I hope it doesn't take me having to "arrive" to feel happy. But I do know that Whole30 is the start to that journey. I do know that Whole30 is the start to the freedom that I imagine for myself. How do I face food? How do I know how much to have and when to have it (as in "treats")? How do I say no to things that aren't good for me without having the battle of cravings in my mind?

I'm desperate for change. I'm desperate for healing. And I need it now. I pray that I somehow recognize these positive changes along the way during this next month that keeps me encouraged. It isn't just about the scale, but the victory that comes on the inside. I want to see those differences to know just how much this is working for me. I pray I recognize those things.