Two things: I love Austin, TX and I hate the Zone Diet.

I have returned!

Guys, last week, I had the most AWESOME pleasure of attending the annual Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest paleo event of the year. Everybody that's anybody is there, essentially. And I have soooooo many highlights to share: I had my fangirl moments with my paleo gurus (like Melissa Hartwig (whoa!), Melissa Joulwan (omg!), and Michelle Tam (no way!), to name a few. Then, I got to attend seminars held by none other than Robb Wolf, and Mark Sisson. And, of course, got to circle the vendor's expo floor and taste-test a thousand samples of all the most yummy "paleo-approved" snacks. I swear, my spending money was spent on food to bring back to Cayman alone. Crazy.

Outside of the conference, my mom and I got a lot of time to explore Austin itself and we honestly had THE BEST fun. First of all, can I say how much I freaken love Austin. It is such a stellar city. I would move there in a heart beat. We explored so many awesome food places, shopping spots (including Whole Foods, of course), and even some main outdoor attractions (yes, like the famous Barton Springs...that I jumped into....and froze to death). I am beyond grateful that she came with me on this trip. This was my time to let her see "my world" (my paleo life) from the sources themselves (the paleo experts) and make her own conclusions from it. It was so cool to see her absorb information and talk to me about it later asking me questions like, "So, if Mark Sisson eats legumes, does that mean I can too?" No, Mom. That's just him. He had to take a long time to discover the paleo diet that worked for him. Which brings me to my next point...

This conference was a breath of fresh air to hear this repeated over and over and over again from various speakers: There is no such thing as the perfect paleo diet. You must find what works for you. I would agree 100%. The only catch with that statement is that finding out what works for me requires time. Patience. And then more time. And then more patience.

I hate time and patience.

If I can continue on the honesty train, I must say how much the conference made me realize how much I hate The Zone Diet. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a way of eating that requires every macronutrient on your plate to be weighed and measured. Meaning, everything you put on your plate is weighed and measured according to your gender and body size. When I completed my Whole60, Matt had me experiment with zoning for about a month, taking my weight at the end of my first week experimentation trial. He never shared any of the results with me along the way until the end of the month, and now I know why...

At the end of the month, he told me I had lost about 8 pounds, about 6-8 inches, and about 6% body fat. That. is. crazy. Do you have any idea, any idea, how long I've been trying to get results like that? Even after doing Whole30/60, I didn't have results like that physically--I was definitely significantly healed on the inside and my mental/emotional health towards food was so much healthier, but I can't say I was satisfied with how I looked physically. Doing zone after Whole30/60 showed me that the first step is understanding what to eat (which is where the Whole30 comes in), and then the second step is understanding how much of that good food you are to eat (which is where The Zone Diet comes in).

So when I got these results, what do you think happened to me psychologically?

Fear. Anxiety. Pressure. Unsustainable standards.

Since I heard those results, I've been living in a place of constant fear, constant worry, and self-asserted pressure, which makes me just end up having a joyless paleo life. I've become resentful of cooking, of food in general, and that's not like me. My mindset is, "I want to put more guacamole or coconut butter with this meal, but I can't," "I want to have more chicken than this, but I can't," all these statements being focused on the can't just ends up making me angry and takes me right back to the dark place I remember before my Whole30--being in the kitchen, nibbling on different foods (Whole30-approved food or not), and binging. Thinking to myself, screw this, I'm eating whatever I want, however much I want...with a spoon dipped into the jar of coconut butter. That doesn't help anyone either.

So what am I to do?

I want results, don't I? I want to continue seeing that kind of data produced by eating this way, don't I? But then is this way of eating really and truly better for me? Isn't the point of a wholesome life to be stressed less and have joy in what I fuel myself with? It's a sick cycle, because zoning makes me feel more in control of my results, but feel upset I have to weigh and measure every single ounce of everything and feel like I'm in "healthy living jail," as Melissa Joulwan put it. Then the other side of the coin, not zoning makes me feel like I'm going to over eat (yeah, you can over eat healthy food), and thus, gain weight/body fat and remain stuck and further away from my goals. However, I must say I was happier as far as focusing on a balanced and whole-living lifestyle when I wasn't focused on zoning my meals. I had more fun in the kitchen, more creativity sparking my skills, and felt more balanced in other areas of my life.

The only reason I zone is for my aesthetic goals, and I believe those are valid.

Everybody has some sort of aesthetic goal. I just think I've come to a place where I no longer understand how to pursue that goal healthily; pursue that goal in a way that makes me happy along the way. I'm just sick of the "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" feeling. I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm scared that the only way to achieve the kind of results I want is through zoning alone, having to achieve what I want joylessly. I'm scared that if I just focus on the way I lived during my Whole30, that won't be enough. It will definitely make me healthier, but it won't bring me closer to weight/body fat loss.

How? Well, my body is used to eating healthy foods now, so it's not as easy to lose weight, which is why zoning worked so well the first time, because it was a shock to my system, to eat such smaller portions.

Sigh. All this thinking makes me end up being even more resentful than when I started this journal entry. The overwhelming desire to just throw my hands up in the air and say it doesn't matter anymore anyway is very present, and I don't want to go back to that place. I can't undo what I've worked so hard for, establishing the habits that have changed me mentally. I can't just throw that away. I have to find a way to regain balance, and thus, regain happiness.

Jesus, I need to know where You fit into all of this, because all these thoughts do is consume me, so I bring them to you. I bring all of my frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, and confusion to you and ask for you to sort through it for me. Show me the way you want me to live my life in regards to food and fitness that makes me have that abundant life you promised. I need you to be the center of this for me or it's not even worth it at all. I need help. I need guidance from this place of consuming frustration and self-harming actions. I lay it at your feet and ask for your help in forgiving myself and refocusing my goals, and clearing my mind to know what to do to have that wholesome life you have for me.

Challenged by my idols

I once saw a post on my Instagram saying, "The greatest tragedy of all is to have lived and died without knowing how good the body was designed to feel." And of course, in the background of this text, you see the sweaty, chiseled back of a tall, muscular blonde girl pressing the barbell overhead. 

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

I mean, I watch people day in and day out have trouble walking from their cars to the door of the grocery store…I see doctors and nurses struggling to fit into their scrubs because they’re too overweight…I can’t help but wonder how uncomfortable, how discouraged, how unhappy they must feel.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not judging, I’m not criticizing. In fact, I’m very defensive of this topic because of the way people generally judge “fat people” claiming that it’s all their fault. Don’t even get me started with that, because that will have to be a separate post altogether for that rant (soon to come).

No, today, my heart is left wondering about how much emphasis is placed on the temporary, but not on the eternal.

I publicly admit right here on my blog/journal that Crossfit, paleo, Whole30, the body itself are my idols. I place them before Christ. I would jump to go do a Crossfit workout before I would jump to go to Bible study. I would spend hours in the kitchen cooking/recipe browsing before I would go have some quiet time with Jesus.

Why is that? Why do I do this? Why?!

I’m really happy Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15, NLT).

Another post I saw on my Instagram said it best, “The greatest tragedy would be to become so fit in this life and die being unfit for the King.” Talk about being challenged beyond words. My heart is guilty, super guilty.

It’s like I’m caught in-between these worlds—one world presenting so many demands to my time and the other world presenting how wrong I am to not spend enough time on the things that count the most. Now, don’t get my wrong, I know that Jesus has placed these passions that I’ve named on my heart for a reason. If there has been anything I’ve ever been more sure of, it’s what I know I am meant to do in this life and I know I’m right where I belong—being a coach, a mentor, a friend for those who are enslaved to their ideas of what health really is and letting food rule their life. I’ve spent my whole life getting it wrong, and trying to figure out how to exercise, how to live properly with my body, and how to eat. Now, I know the truth and know freedom personally. All I want to do is share it so others can experience it too.

But…perhaps too much focus on my passions, too much time being spent on these things isn’t a good thing. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, right? I just don’t know how to make that change. So much of my identity itself is caught up in my passions that I don’t know how to find my identity in Christ, where it really should be found.

I’m guilty of wanting to spend so much of my time pouring over learning how to develop myself surround all the temporary things in life (but still matter), but then have a fruitless tree over in my Jesus garden. That’s not good. That’s not good at all.

I see the need, but honestly, I’m such a Paul…I hate that I don’t get it right and don’t know how to get it right.