Chosen

A simple, but not so simple thought that will forever ring true for every single soul on the planet:

Everybody wants to be loved. 

Everybody wants to feel they're worth something, that they're worth loving, that they're worth being chosen. 

Do you have any idea how amazing it is to know that God chose us? As I sit here at work, thinking about where I am in my life, who I am, what I've been blessed with, the hard times I've gone through, the amazing things I've received in my life......the one thing that stands out to me the most is that I have tasted and seen God's love for me. Nothing else could ever matter more to me than that.

And to think about the flip side...

I could have died never knowing about Jesus' love for me.

And not just the kind of flaky knowledge of Jesus loving everyone, but actually knowing that it's personal. He chose me. If it were up to me, I would have chosen myself. Heck, I still do most times! But to know that I have been chosen, set apart, because Jesus has way more for me than I can ever imagine...it makes me so fulfilled.

But getting back to the flip side of the story...

My heart breaks for those that never knew, or never will know what it means to be chosen by God. He chose us, everyone. Yet, people still die everyday never knowing Him, never knowing all that he has for them, never knowing His love, His embrace, His smile, His touch, His personal and all-powerful, unwavering love for each of us.

Man, if my heart hurts from that thought, I can't imagine God's heart.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you..."

John 15:16

I want to be the weakest me ever.

I have this workout journal that I use to log my workouts every day, and at the top of each page, there's always some motivating quote. When I was thumbing through it a few days ago, I came across one that stayed with me: "Never let your lack of strength be mistaken for weakness."

A bit puzzling isn't it?

I mean, in the line of work I do (a.k.a Crossfit), performance is everything; it's a performance-based sport. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Perform? Be the best we can be by exhibiting strength we never thought we were capable of?

But that's not necessarily the entire equation, or definition, of what strength actually is. Not being able to perform in this sport as prescribed by the workout of the day has nothing to do with my strength. I may lack the physical strength to perform a 300# deadlift, but you can bet that I am strong and fully empowered in heart. And I'll keep working until my deadlift is 305#. The strong in heart is the one that always comes out on top.

But sometimes, it's not always that simple...

This past Saturday morning, I did the following workout:

15 min. AMRAP of:

7 95# Push Presses
10 95# Overhead Squats
25 Sit-ups

That. Was. Heavy.

That. Hurt. A lot.

I am definitely not used to doing that kind of weight. And my coach told me before I started that he's not looking for me to complete a bunch of rounds, because the weight is heavier this time. I heard him, but not fully, because once the clock went off, and I felt that heaviness, I was challenged to a whole new level. Everything that I was feeling emotionally inside that had been there from all the various situations in my life came to the forefront. I completed 3 rounds + 3 reps, and crashed on the floor with a heavy lump in my throat from tears.

Why?

Honestly, I really don't know.

Whether we realize it or not, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations every single day. We're conditioned to believe that we always have to be more. Just more. You got your first pull-up? Awesome! Now do 10 in a row. You lost 8 pounds? Way to go! Now lose 8 more.

If you were a coach, would you ever talk to a client like this? Absolutely not. So, what's the difference in talking to a client and talking to yourself? How come we are able to place ridiculous expectations on ourselves thinking that's normal, but we know that would be ludicrous to speak to someone else like that....

There is NEVER any satisfaction of celebrating the milestones. There is NEVER a moment where you can just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're happy with where you are while you're working for what you want. Never. There is always more to be worked on. And in the moment of lifting that 95#, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm lifting a weight that used to be impossible for me (as in, I couldn't get that bar up at all at one point in my life). I wasn't thinking about the fact that I was doing all 10 reps of those overhead squats in a row without putting the bar down. No. I was too busy thinking about how I just longed to be more than I already am.

But you know what?

Funny enough, Jesus says something completely different. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Jesus wants me to be weak. He actually doesn't want me to be strong. That's hard to swallow, because I've been told to be strong my whole life. But, I must say, nothing has ever ended well when I've relied on my own strength, or understanding. The world says to be more, but I have a God that doesn't care about how "perfect" I am. He doesn't care about my ability or inability to perform in and outside of the gym, in life, in my kitchen, anywhere...he loves me with an unwavering devotion for just simply being, not because I had to earn it or deserve it, work for it, and fear losing it...nope. Again, that's hard to swallow. But man....God, thank You for this kind of freedom.

It's been my heart's prayer that I can bring my performance anxiety (my stressful pressure from myself to be perfect in all things) to Jesus every day, multiple times a day, and one day, truly feel that freedom in my heart of hearts.

Jesus loves the fact that I am strong in heart, and even physically strong. He blessed me with that ability. But, more than anything, he wants my broken, contrite, weak heart in every area that I've left untouched.

It's funny because I work day in and day out to become stronger, and at the same time, also make sure I remain the weakest me ever so I can allow Jesus to remain that Rock I need in my life, because God only knows I can't and never will be able to rescue myself. Thank God for grace, and the fact that God doesn't place the same expectations that I place on myself too often.

Challenged by my idols

I once saw a post on my Instagram saying, "The greatest tragedy of all is to have lived and died without knowing how good the body was designed to feel." And of course, in the background of this text, you see the sweaty, chiseled back of a tall, muscular blonde girl pressing the barbell overhead. 

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

I mean, I watch people day in and day out have trouble walking from their cars to the door of the grocery store…I see doctors and nurses struggling to fit into their scrubs because they’re too overweight…I can’t help but wonder how uncomfortable, how discouraged, how unhappy they must feel.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not judging, I’m not criticizing. In fact, I’m very defensive of this topic because of the way people generally judge “fat people” claiming that it’s all their fault. Don’t even get me started with that, because that will have to be a separate post altogether for that rant (soon to come).

No, today, my heart is left wondering about how much emphasis is placed on the temporary, but not on the eternal.

I publicly admit right here on my blog/journal that Crossfit, paleo, Whole30, the body itself are my idols. I place them before Christ. I would jump to go do a Crossfit workout before I would jump to go to Bible study. I would spend hours in the kitchen cooking/recipe browsing before I would go have some quiet time with Jesus.

Why is that? Why do I do this? Why?!

I’m really happy Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15, NLT).

Another post I saw on my Instagram said it best, “The greatest tragedy would be to become so fit in this life and die being unfit for the King.” Talk about being challenged beyond words. My heart is guilty, super guilty.

It’s like I’m caught in-between these worlds—one world presenting so many demands to my time and the other world presenting how wrong I am to not spend enough time on the things that count the most. Now, don’t get my wrong, I know that Jesus has placed these passions that I’ve named on my heart for a reason. If there has been anything I’ve ever been more sure of, it’s what I know I am meant to do in this life and I know I’m right where I belong—being a coach, a mentor, a friend for those who are enslaved to their ideas of what health really is and letting food rule their life. I’ve spent my whole life getting it wrong, and trying to figure out how to exercise, how to live properly with my body, and how to eat. Now, I know the truth and know freedom personally. All I want to do is share it so others can experience it too.

But…perhaps too much focus on my passions, too much time being spent on these things isn’t a good thing. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, right? I just don’t know how to make that change. So much of my identity itself is caught up in my passions that I don’t know how to find my identity in Christ, where it really should be found.

I’m guilty of wanting to spend so much of my time pouring over learning how to develop myself surround all the temporary things in life (but still matter), but then have a fruitless tree over in my Jesus garden. That’s not good. That’s not good at all.

I see the need, but honestly, I’m such a Paul…I hate that I don’t get it right and don’t know how to get it right.