Dear Melissa, I got up from my table.

Finally, after writing this letter for over a month, I finished my letter to Melissa Hartwig (co-creator and founder of the Whole30 Program). You're going to hear me referring to this program all the time, so you might as well get used to who Melissa is and what the heck the Whole30 is. Trust me, it's worth your time. 

I wrote this letter to Melissa as my way of sharing my success story with her. I wanted to explain in the best way that I could just how much she has actually done to help me and how much healing has already been underway in my life before I even knew it. 

Some may be a little surprised by my brutal honesty in this letter and may even find out information about me that they never knew before, but really, all I can say in response to that is...it's the truth. And I don't have any more life to waste tolerating anything less than the truth. 

~

March 12, 2015

Dear Melissa,

Let me introduce myself before I share so much of my life with you in these next pages. My name is Nicole Crance, I’m a 22-year-old Crossfit trainer in the Cayman Islands (born and raised here), and I am a recovering food addict thanks to the Whole30 program. I’m pretty certain this is one of the most difficult letters I’ve ever had to write simply because there is so much to say, so much to explain, so much I wish you could know automatically without me having to tell you, but I want to take the time to share with you anyway, even if you read this much later (I know you’re busy!)

In a nutshell, I grew up as one of the many kids in this world that believed Wendy’s after school everyday was okay, turning to Cookies N’ Cream ice cream for therapy from stress, and late night cereal was okay as a second dinner (following a bowl of spaghetti and garlic bread eaten earlier). However, I also believed in the wheat-bread-is-better-than-white-low-fat-yogurt-all-day-to-lose-weight lifestyle. I tried everything: Slim-Fast shakes, Subway diets, calorie restriction, Weight Watchers, you name it. I was twelve years old, hated my body, hated my genes (and my jeans), and had a very perverted definition of what health, beauty, self-respect or even fitness meant.

In college, I gained the Freshman 30, not 15. I sunk into a very real, and very dangerous level of depression. My mental health was collapsing, my emotions were all over the place, and I was not happy unless I was losing weight, i.e. on my way to becoming beautiful. Pretty typical, right? So many girls share the same feelings every single day. But I didn’t see my life like that. I saw myself as the only one in the world sinking into a dark, deep, dangerous hole of self-hatred and mad at the world because things just couldn’t, for the life of me, go my way.

Desperate for a change, I joined my Crossfit gym here on the island and was introduced to the paleo world for the first time. During the introduction discussion with the coach, he went over all the basics of eating real food, which was a total shocker to me because I come from eat-whatever-you-want-and-burn-it-off-later world. It was hard for all this information to compute coming from a Weight Watchers lifestyle, but I tried it, and became the smallest I think I had ever been, which was so awesome to me. I lost all the weight, and was now working on putting on the muscle. But of course, the cycle is a lot more harsh and manipulative than that, so due to the usual stress, sleep deprivation, emotional ups and downs, and lack of truly understanding how to approach health and eating well (even though I knew what to eat), I gained the weight back. I felt horrible. I found the key to real health, and I still couldn’t handle my eating habits. I felt like a slave, forever trapped and ruled by my habits.

To speed things up, skip ahead to my first Whole30 in October 2014, which I had been avoiding since September 2013 (when I first heard of the program). There was no way that I was going to be able to not eat sweets, paleo or not, not have carbs when I was upset, not have a cheat night, not be able to have almond milk lattes, not be able to eat non-compliant bacon (too bad U.S. Wellness Meats doesn’t ship to the Caribbean, boo), not be able to snack on fruits, etc. There was no way. I needed sugar. I needed food as my comfort. But really, I just needed help. I broke down too many times a day, having so much self-pity, sinking deeper into depression and self-hatred, not meeting my performance goals in the gym, not fitting in my clothes after working so hard for so long, and honestly, just not feeling well in general. Constipation, dark circles, exhaustion, bloated stomach, fogginess, mental breakdowns, being super negative, mood swings…I could list so many reasons why I needed to do Whole30. So, I teamed up with one of my best friends, Brianna, and we did it, having very similar stories of struggle with weight and food all our lives.

Thirty days later, we completed our very first Whole30, feeling the best we have ever felt. I must say, we were more focused on the physical changes that took place for us more than the mental ones. We saw our performance in the gym rise considerably, clothes fit looser, better sleeping habits were established, I could get up at 6:00 a.m. with boundless energy that remained stable throughout the day, I didn’t need to snack between meals anymore, my bowel movements were regular, there were so many positive things happening that I felt invincible.

However, I knew deep down that mentally, I was still in the place of having chains tied to food for comfort/punishment. I hated myself for so long that I didn’t know what it meant to heal my body or even my mind. In fact, I was so used to being angry with myself, that I didn’t think I deserved to try and figure out what it meant to be the healthiest me. I was afraid that I would get to that place and still not be happy. It really took a lot of convincing from the Whole30 Daily emails to keep me in check with making sure I knew why I was doing this challenge. I had to make sure that my reasons went beyond aesthetics.

Today, I am on Day 52 of my second Whole30. In 8 days, I will have completed my very first Whole60. I never thought it was possible. All I can really say is, on this second time around, I’ve learned new things I hadn’t the first time, grown in the areas I wanted to, and most importantly, experienced firsthand what it truly means to live optimally and never settle for less than I deserve…

If I can get even more personal with you, woman to woman, I want to share exactly how I came to this realization (to not settle for less than I deserve). I was Insta-browsing (Instagram browsing, haha), and I saw your picture-post that read, “You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” That really hit me. I remember pausing and realizing I’ve been cheating myself of truly reaching optimal health for months on end…

I started dating this guy in October 2014, but to me, he was more than just a guy…we hit it off so well that I thought this was it. He was sincerely a dream to me and little did I know, I was so undoubtedly, and unbelievably fooled. I had many red flags along the way, including close friends sharing their discomfort with our relationship, the little insecurities that evolved into huge trust issues between him and I, and more unique than anything else, my cravings. It got to the point that whenever I was around him, I craved bad food. I felt emotionally unwell; hopeless, lazy, negative, all those emotions leading to a downward spiral…and I didn’t pay attention to them. I just took that as, well, my Whole30 isn’t fully done yet clearly, since I’m still battling these cravings. When he wasn’t around, I felt more focused, more positive, less cravy, less crazy. That’s never happened to me before. A human being made me that stressed to the point of cravings signaling to me this guy was bad news.

But I realized in those moments of pausing as I read that picture post on your Instagram that I was suffering so much more than I let on; my emotional, spiritual, and mental health was suffering for a very long time in this “relationship” and that wasn’t very loving of me towards myself. I decided that I had been fighting for far too long for optimal health my whole life, for a place of really loving myself, for a place of really taking hold of what I deserve, to let this guy take that away from me, no matter how much of a “dream” he was (when he was really a nightmare). I’ve been through far too many tears, years of self-hatred and depression to let someone keep me from walking the road I was doing so well on, the road I had so long sought after. So, I let him go.

I started this Whole30 journey sure I couldn’t do it, sure I couldn’t give up emotional dependency on food. Yet, I made the start because I was desperate for healing and help with years of food addiction, desiring permanent weight loss, and uprooting uncontrollable cravings. But when I look at who I am right now, so much more has happened over these past five months than I had ever originally sought for on Day 0. I’ve been brought to my knees in frustration, I've been jealous of the victories others around me received while I felt alone in my efforts, I've been discouraged to the point of believing the lie if I were to disappear, it wouldn't matter because there's nothing special about me, I have felt the physical pain of having my heart ripped to shreds by a man whose sole agenda is personal and selfish gain, and I have been brought to my face in tears begging God for freedom--freedom in life, not just in food.

Jesus said in John 10:10 that he came to give us life, life more abundantly, to the fullest. And honestly, Melissa, I've spent the past ten years of my life seeking that abundant life from every single outlet except from the actual Source. All my efforts would yield is me standing empty-handed and even more hollow on the inside than from the previous attempt. I have made food, obsession of perfection, weight loss, measurements, comparison among my peers, PRs in the gym, jeans sizes, and body fat percentages be my idols, my factors that determine my happiness and fulfillment. But not anymore. That was not the kind of life I was made to live and although it took a long time to get here, I've tasted and seen God's relentless passion for me and not allowing me to settle for less than I deserve, even when I think I know best. He gave me the courage to get up from my table, because love stopped being served a long time ago.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I wanted to try to explain an ounce of the depth to which your program has saved my life. As you know, one of the exercises in the Whole30 Daily emails is to write out how we visualize ourselves after our challenge, in our post-Whole30 life.  I remember writing out every detail of how I visualized myself living my life—prepping meals at night for the next day, maintaining sustainable energy thanks to fueling myself with fat and not sugar, getting a minimum of 7 hours sleep, talking to a trusted friend, going for a walk or even napping as methods of coping with stress, understanding that the foods I would eat for comfort before are just promises of false hope, solve nothing and only give pain and slavery. I visualized myself rewarding myself with activities that didn’t involve food, focusing on spending more time with loved ones, using H.A.L.T. when cravings hit and taking a moment to consider why these cravings are coming on and not just compulsively satisfying them…the list goes on and on. And you know what, these things don’t always happen. I’m not perfect. Life isn’t perfect. Things happen to me sometimes that make me feel like I’m taking a step backwards instead of forwards, but I know the habits that I have learned through this program are permanent and I’m not who I was—I’m no longer slave to the stresses of my day and victim to the easy temptation that accompanies it because now, I see right through those lies. I can happily, and gratefully report that the “post-Whole30 me” that I dreamed about five months ago when I first started the program is who I am…and more.

I’ve learned that my identity isn’t tied to before-and-after pictures, measurements, and gains and losses, but is rooted so much deeper than that. You created this program for those seeking healing, whole healing and I joined your wagon wanting that healing just as much as the millions of others who have come to experience Whole30. However, Melissa Hartwig, your program revealed a lot more inside of me than inflammation, hormonal imbalance, a compromised gut, and psychological disruption. In addition to those ailments, I discovered brokenness, craters, holes, scars, buried pains, insecurities, and doubt that were left out to dry, with no hope of water. The Whole30 has been a very real, powerful and pivotal tool in extending the healing that God so badly longs to give to us, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Your passion and unending commitment to your program, health and human beings in general provided a powerful relighting to my flame. The reason I even wanted to be a coach in the first place was to walk alongside those searching for answers, for help, the way I did (and still do), not just in their fitness or nutrition goals, but for their entire life; I wanted to be a friend, a mentor, a shoulder. Your program has not only given me the tools to be able to spread the good food word, but provided direction for me in understanding how to better myself and maintain these newly developed habits throughout my life. Best of all, I get to merge my passion to support and educate others and watch them develop a love for optimal living into my career. That, indeed, is a beautiful thing.

If you don’t remember anything I have said after reading this very long letter, please remember my thank you to you, Dallas and your Whole30 team. I have come to realize that the high standard that you set for us is for the sole purpose of teaching that we deserve the best, and won’t allow us to cheat ourselves of anything less than that.

I’m not perfect (still need reminding of this) and I still struggle to believe in myself, my own story, my own voice, my own abilities and qualities, I still fall to the lie that I’m not special and won’t be of any instrumental use to others, but each day, those lies are disarmed and become less and less vocal by replacing it with reaffirmation from loved ones around me, seeing how far I’ve come, and thanking God Almighty for keeping me away from the things that only encourage disaster.

The truth is, I was never meant to live so poorly—poor in spirit, body and mind. And now, I can say thank you, Whole30, for being an incredible breakthrough in my long-standing habits that put me in a place of fear and being generally unwell. Thank God for making me brave enough to believe that my inheritance has always been an abundant life of nothing but wellness, nothing but wholeness—spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Although it took awhile, and although I made a lot of wrong decisions along the way, I can look in the mirror and smile now, knowing that the girl that’s staring back at me has been through so much, but was never forgotten and has just been building an incredible story to share with every person willing to give an ear. That girl knows real and permanent freedom, she knows there’s more to her identity than food success stories, Crossfit certifications, perfectly planned and cooked meals, or simply applying the unrealistic expectation to be the best and be perfect at everything she does. She’s incredibly ecstatic about the changes she has made and the breakthroughs that have happened, but she is even more fulfilled by the fact that she knows she is loved, indescribably loved by the One who is the definition of love, for just being who she is and nothing can steal that freedom, that love, that promise.

I’m no longer captive and finally, after fighting for so long, I can sit at a new table.

Thank you for responding to your calling to be right where you are and creating such hope to people all over, everywhere. Thank you for caring about me, holistically. I wish you, your family and your team continued success and blessings.

Forever gratefully yours in health,

Nicole L. Crance