That one time at the Paleo Conference in Austin, TX...

So, in honor of "Throwback Thursday," even though I don't do that, like ever, I decided to post (almost one year later, haha) some of my favorite highlights from the 2015 Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, TX my mom and I went to. 

This trip was amazing for like 400 different reasons, but a lot of them revolve around how many awesome memories my mom and I have from being able to go to this new place together and explore this fantastic city. I don't think we've ever had a "mother-daughter trip" before this one, and it was in honor of me getting to go and meet the people who helped shape my health for what it is today. 

We had so many awesome moments in and out of this conference. I learned about myself, about my mom, about eating real food for the rest of my life...it really got emotional at some points. Then, there was some adventure at other points, like when I jumped into a freezing fresh water spring (Barton Springs Pool). Or, when we went driving for God knows how long trying to find the Reebok Outlet store to find my mom a pair of CrossFit Nanos. Or, when we drove to this yummy Mexican restaurant, Abuelo's, then went to this grass-fed cow dairy ice cream parlor place called Lick, combined with the awesome pumpkin spice lattes we had earlier in the day from Picnik (another awesome grass-fed cow dairy/paleo-friendly place)....yeah, we had to pull over on the way home in a Target parking lot so I could puke for about 20 minutes. Then, again in the hotel parking lot...then again in the hotel room....that was fun. 

But hey, still an awesome trip with such unforgettable memories. 

Let me recap the conference "gurus"...

 Meeting Melissa and Dallas Hartwig of the Whole30 Program was just an unbelievable dream come true. I would have to say that above every other "guru" of the health world, their program made the most impacting and lasting change for my life. If you've read my earlier blog posts, you can see a letter I wrote to Melissa Hartwig explaining how much of an impact Whole30 has had on my life AND I got to give her that letter face-to-face at this conference! 

And of course...I cried like a dork when I gave her the letter, and she teared up too. Yay for us. :)

My super nerd face is showing, and I love it!

Hopdoddy Burgers....let's just say there's a reason why the line wraps around the building every single night. DEFINITELY going back there. 

Robb Wolf--the man that started it all. Robb was the first Paleo "guru" I ever heard of when I came to this "eat real food" world. He's a genius and has an extensive background in exercise science, but the most important points that I live by from his research when it comes to my fitness and health are these: a) How do I look? b) How do I feel? c) How do I perform? 

The answer to these questions determines if I'm healthy or not...not a body fat percentage or number on the scale. 

George Bryant of the Civilized Caveman blog. Love his attitude, his outlook on life, and his energetic love for eating well. 

 Melissa Joulwan, author of the cookbooks Well Fed and Well Fed 2.

Awesome woman, like...awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome woman. I came to this conference looking for more knowledge on how to continue living a paleo lifestyle and not only did I gain knowledge on how to do that, but I somehow also realized I subconsciously went looking for validation from these "gurus." It's like I went wanting them to pat me on the back and tell me they're proud of the changes I've made in the past 2 years. Once I realized that, it was Melissa that helped me understand that if I don't love every step of figuring out this journey, including the not-so-hot moments, none of this will last. 

The famous spray-painted words on the outside wall of Jo's Coffeeshop. Perfect photo-op. 

MICHELLE TAM! of Nom Nom Paleo (one of the best paleo blogs and cookbooks EVER). Again, one of the first people I ever started following for this paleo lifestyle and has made me love food even more...real food that is. :)

Mark Sisson, author of the Primal Blueprint, and creator of the primal blog, Mark's Daily Apple.  

He taught me that Paleo is not a religion. It's supposed to be something that enhances your life, not stresses it out more. So figure out what works for you and stick with that unless it changes, again, and move on accordingly. Not everything has to be a cookie-cutter template and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to have the Justin's dark chocolate peanut butter cup on a day that's not your treat meal.....

Two things: I love Austin, TX and I hate the Zone Diet.

I have returned!

Guys, last week, I had the most AWESOME pleasure of attending the annual Paleo f(x) Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest paleo event of the year. Everybody that's anybody is there, essentially. And I have soooooo many highlights to share: I had my fangirl moments with my paleo gurus (like Melissa Hartwig (whoa!), Melissa Joulwan (omg!), and Michelle Tam (no way!), to name a few. Then, I got to attend seminars held by none other than Robb Wolf, and Mark Sisson. And, of course, got to circle the vendor's expo floor and taste-test a thousand samples of all the most yummy "paleo-approved" snacks. I swear, my spending money was spent on food to bring back to Cayman alone. Crazy.

Outside of the conference, my mom and I got a lot of time to explore Austin itself and we honestly had THE BEST fun. First of all, can I say how much I freaken love Austin. It is such a stellar city. I would move there in a heart beat. We explored so many awesome food places, shopping spots (including Whole Foods, of course), and even some main outdoor attractions (yes, like the famous Barton Springs...that I jumped into....and froze to death). I am beyond grateful that she came with me on this trip. This was my time to let her see "my world" (my paleo life) from the sources themselves (the paleo experts) and make her own conclusions from it. It was so cool to see her absorb information and talk to me about it later asking me questions like, "So, if Mark Sisson eats legumes, does that mean I can too?" No, Mom. That's just him. He had to take a long time to discover the paleo diet that worked for him. Which brings me to my next point...

This conference was a breath of fresh air to hear this repeated over and over and over again from various speakers: There is no such thing as the perfect paleo diet. You must find what works for you. I would agree 100%. The only catch with that statement is that finding out what works for me requires time. Patience. And then more time. And then more patience.

I hate time and patience.

If I can continue on the honesty train, I must say how much the conference made me realize how much I hate The Zone Diet. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a way of eating that requires every macronutrient on your plate to be weighed and measured. Meaning, everything you put on your plate is weighed and measured according to your gender and body size. When I completed my Whole60, Matt had me experiment with zoning for about a month, taking my weight at the end of my first week experimentation trial. He never shared any of the results with me along the way until the end of the month, and now I know why...

At the end of the month, he told me I had lost about 8 pounds, about 6-8 inches, and about 6% body fat. That. is. crazy. Do you have any idea, any idea, how long I've been trying to get results like that? Even after doing Whole30/60, I didn't have results like that physically--I was definitely significantly healed on the inside and my mental/emotional health towards food was so much healthier, but I can't say I was satisfied with how I looked physically. Doing zone after Whole30/60 showed me that the first step is understanding what to eat (which is where the Whole30 comes in), and then the second step is understanding how much of that good food you are to eat (which is where The Zone Diet comes in).

So when I got these results, what do you think happened to me psychologically?

Fear. Anxiety. Pressure. Unsustainable standards.

Since I heard those results, I've been living in a place of constant fear, constant worry, and self-asserted pressure, which makes me just end up having a joyless paleo life. I've become resentful of cooking, of food in general, and that's not like me. My mindset is, "I want to put more guacamole or coconut butter with this meal, but I can't," "I want to have more chicken than this, but I can't," all these statements being focused on the can't just ends up making me angry and takes me right back to the dark place I remember before my Whole30--being in the kitchen, nibbling on different foods (Whole30-approved food or not), and binging. Thinking to myself, screw this, I'm eating whatever I want, however much I want...with a spoon dipped into the jar of coconut butter. That doesn't help anyone either.

So what am I to do?

I want results, don't I? I want to continue seeing that kind of data produced by eating this way, don't I? But then is this way of eating really and truly better for me? Isn't the point of a wholesome life to be stressed less and have joy in what I fuel myself with? It's a sick cycle, because zoning makes me feel more in control of my results, but feel upset I have to weigh and measure every single ounce of everything and feel like I'm in "healthy living jail," as Melissa Joulwan put it. Then the other side of the coin, not zoning makes me feel like I'm going to over eat (yeah, you can over eat healthy food), and thus, gain weight/body fat and remain stuck and further away from my goals. However, I must say I was happier as far as focusing on a balanced and whole-living lifestyle when I wasn't focused on zoning my meals. I had more fun in the kitchen, more creativity sparking my skills, and felt more balanced in other areas of my life.

The only reason I zone is for my aesthetic goals, and I believe those are valid.

Everybody has some sort of aesthetic goal. I just think I've come to a place where I no longer understand how to pursue that goal healthily; pursue that goal in a way that makes me happy along the way. I'm just sick of the "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" feeling. I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm scared that the only way to achieve the kind of results I want is through zoning alone, having to achieve what I want joylessly. I'm scared that if I just focus on the way I lived during my Whole30, that won't be enough. It will definitely make me healthier, but it won't bring me closer to weight/body fat loss.

How? Well, my body is used to eating healthy foods now, so it's not as easy to lose weight, which is why zoning worked so well the first time, because it was a shock to my system, to eat such smaller portions.

Sigh. All this thinking makes me end up being even more resentful than when I started this journal entry. The overwhelming desire to just throw my hands up in the air and say it doesn't matter anymore anyway is very present, and I don't want to go back to that place. I can't undo what I've worked so hard for, establishing the habits that have changed me mentally. I can't just throw that away. I have to find a way to regain balance, and thus, regain happiness.

Jesus, I need to know where You fit into all of this, because all these thoughts do is consume me, so I bring them to you. I bring all of my frustration, anger, resentment, sadness, and confusion to you and ask for you to sort through it for me. Show me the way you want me to live my life in regards to food and fitness that makes me have that abundant life you promised. I need you to be the center of this for me or it's not even worth it at all. I need help. I need guidance from this place of consuming frustration and self-harming actions. I lay it at your feet and ask for your help in forgiving myself and refocusing my goals, and clearing my mind to know what to do to have that wholesome life you have for me.

Chosen

A simple, but not so simple thought that will forever ring true for every single soul on the planet:

Everybody wants to be loved. 

Everybody wants to feel they're worth something, that they're worth loving, that they're worth being chosen. 

Do you have any idea how amazing it is to know that God chose us? As I sit here at work, thinking about where I am in my life, who I am, what I've been blessed with, the hard times I've gone through, the amazing things I've received in my life......the one thing that stands out to me the most is that I have tasted and seen God's love for me. Nothing else could ever matter more to me than that.

And to think about the flip side...

I could have died never knowing about Jesus' love for me.

And not just the kind of flaky knowledge of Jesus loving everyone, but actually knowing that it's personal. He chose me. If it were up to me, I would have chosen myself. Heck, I still do most times! But to know that I have been chosen, set apart, because Jesus has way more for me than I can ever imagine...it makes me so fulfilled.

But getting back to the flip side of the story...

My heart breaks for those that never knew, or never will know what it means to be chosen by God. He chose us, everyone. Yet, people still die everyday never knowing Him, never knowing all that he has for them, never knowing His love, His embrace, His smile, His touch, His personal and all-powerful, unwavering love for each of us.

Man, if my heart hurts from that thought, I can't imagine God's heart.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you..."

John 15:16

I want to be the weakest me ever.

I have this workout journal that I use to log my workouts every day, and at the top of each page, there's always some motivating quote. When I was thumbing through it a few days ago, I came across one that stayed with me: "Never let your lack of strength be mistaken for weakness."

A bit puzzling isn't it?

I mean, in the line of work I do (a.k.a Crossfit), performance is everything; it's a performance-based sport. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Perform? Be the best we can be by exhibiting strength we never thought we were capable of?

But that's not necessarily the entire equation, or definition, of what strength actually is. Not being able to perform in this sport as prescribed by the workout of the day has nothing to do with my strength. I may lack the physical strength to perform a 300# deadlift, but you can bet that I am strong and fully empowered in heart. And I'll keep working until my deadlift is 305#. The strong in heart is the one that always comes out on top.

But sometimes, it's not always that simple...

This past Saturday morning, I did the following workout:

15 min. AMRAP of:

7 95# Push Presses
10 95# Overhead Squats
25 Sit-ups

That. Was. Heavy.

That. Hurt. A lot.

I am definitely not used to doing that kind of weight. And my coach told me before I started that he's not looking for me to complete a bunch of rounds, because the weight is heavier this time. I heard him, but not fully, because once the clock went off, and I felt that heaviness, I was challenged to a whole new level. Everything that I was feeling emotionally inside that had been there from all the various situations in my life came to the forefront. I completed 3 rounds + 3 reps, and crashed on the floor with a heavy lump in my throat from tears.

Why?

Honestly, I really don't know.

Whether we realize it or not, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations every single day. We're conditioned to believe that we always have to be more. Just more. You got your first pull-up? Awesome! Now do 10 in a row. You lost 8 pounds? Way to go! Now lose 8 more.

If you were a coach, would you ever talk to a client like this? Absolutely not. So, what's the difference in talking to a client and talking to yourself? How come we are able to place ridiculous expectations on ourselves thinking that's normal, but we know that would be ludicrous to speak to someone else like that....

There is NEVER any satisfaction of celebrating the milestones. There is NEVER a moment where you can just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're happy with where you are while you're working for what you want. Never. There is always more to be worked on. And in the moment of lifting that 95#, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm lifting a weight that used to be impossible for me (as in, I couldn't get that bar up at all at one point in my life). I wasn't thinking about the fact that I was doing all 10 reps of those overhead squats in a row without putting the bar down. No. I was too busy thinking about how I just longed to be more than I already am.

But you know what?

Funny enough, Jesus says something completely different. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Jesus wants me to be weak. He actually doesn't want me to be strong. That's hard to swallow, because I've been told to be strong my whole life. But, I must say, nothing has ever ended well when I've relied on my own strength, or understanding. The world says to be more, but I have a God that doesn't care about how "perfect" I am. He doesn't care about my ability or inability to perform in and outside of the gym, in life, in my kitchen, anywhere...he loves me with an unwavering devotion for just simply being, not because I had to earn it or deserve it, work for it, and fear losing it...nope. Again, that's hard to swallow. But man....God, thank You for this kind of freedom.

It's been my heart's prayer that I can bring my performance anxiety (my stressful pressure from myself to be perfect in all things) to Jesus every day, multiple times a day, and one day, truly feel that freedom in my heart of hearts.

Jesus loves the fact that I am strong in heart, and even physically strong. He blessed me with that ability. But, more than anything, he wants my broken, contrite, weak heart in every area that I've left untouched.

It's funny because I work day in and day out to become stronger, and at the same time, also make sure I remain the weakest me ever so I can allow Jesus to remain that Rock I need in my life, because God only knows I can't and never will be able to rescue myself. Thank God for grace, and the fact that God doesn't place the same expectations that I place on myself too often.

Guest Post: Bri continues to slay the sugar dragon

 Bri and I ready for my prom, circa 2010

8 years of sisterhood :)
Bri's birthday, August 2014

I cannot begin to describe to you all how much Brianna Wilkerson means to me. She's been my dearest friend through the thickest and thinnest times of my life, remained steadfast and faithful to me by the grace of God, and could NOT be any more of my twin (for real, though). And because she's been my partner in anything that matters to me in my life, she was certainly there for me during my first and second Whole30.

Both of us have quite amazing and redeeming stories, which we know are God-given and have been fashioned in a way to be inspirational to others for their own life. Best of all, Bri and I definitely know that we have a future together in continuing to help others receive that victory they so badly long for in this restrictive, manipulative, and condemning world called food addiction/self-hatred.

That being said!...She is in the middle of doing Dianne Sanfilippo's 21 Day Sugar Detox, a program made for those wanting to reset their taste-buds/cravings/body and know that they don't need to rely on sugar all of the time. Bri has DEFINITELY received freedom from the Whole30 program as far as her cravings go and knows what real freedom is because of it. However, it can get easy to have food on your plate, even though it's all Whole30/paleo-approved, that may not be for nutritional reasons, but more out of habit...or using fruit as a way of feeding your sugar craving when you're hungry, upset, tired, lonely, etc. and not really wanting it for nutritional purposes. Remember, it's all about intention and the reasons why you are putting something on your plate.

Bri has been doing an undoubtedly outstanding job walking in her new habits with these yummy REAL foods on her plate, but wanted to challenge herself further and prove that she actually doesn't need certain foods all the time, even if they are 100% paleo/Whole30 approved.

SO! I interviewed her to tell me about the program, what she's doing, and why she's doing it.

Please visit her awesome blog to read our interview and best of all, learn about this incredible woman that I look up to so much in my life. We're in this together, and we hope you will stand with us and walk alongside us as we navigate life as well, humbly because of Jesus.

Love you all.

Challenged by my idols

I once saw a post on my Instagram saying, "The greatest tragedy of all is to have lived and died without knowing how good the body was designed to feel." And of course, in the background of this text, you see the sweaty, chiseled back of a tall, muscular blonde girl pressing the barbell overhead. 

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

I mean, I watch people day in and day out have trouble walking from their cars to the door of the grocery store…I see doctors and nurses struggling to fit into their scrubs because they’re too overweight…I can’t help but wonder how uncomfortable, how discouraged, how unhappy they must feel.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not judging, I’m not criticizing. In fact, I’m very defensive of this topic because of the way people generally judge “fat people” claiming that it’s all their fault. Don’t even get me started with that, because that will have to be a separate post altogether for that rant (soon to come).

No, today, my heart is left wondering about how much emphasis is placed on the temporary, but not on the eternal.

I publicly admit right here on my blog/journal that Crossfit, paleo, Whole30, the body itself are my idols. I place them before Christ. I would jump to go do a Crossfit workout before I would jump to go to Bible study. I would spend hours in the kitchen cooking/recipe browsing before I would go have some quiet time with Jesus.

Why is that? Why do I do this? Why?!

I’m really happy Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15, NLT).

Another post I saw on my Instagram said it best, “The greatest tragedy would be to become so fit in this life and die being unfit for the King.” Talk about being challenged beyond words. My heart is guilty, super guilty.

It’s like I’m caught in-between these worlds—one world presenting so many demands to my time and the other world presenting how wrong I am to not spend enough time on the things that count the most. Now, don’t get my wrong, I know that Jesus has placed these passions that I’ve named on my heart for a reason. If there has been anything I’ve ever been more sure of, it’s what I know I am meant to do in this life and I know I’m right where I belong—being a coach, a mentor, a friend for those who are enslaved to their ideas of what health really is and letting food rule their life. I’ve spent my whole life getting it wrong, and trying to figure out how to exercise, how to live properly with my body, and how to eat. Now, I know the truth and know freedom personally. All I want to do is share it so others can experience it too.

But…perhaps too much focus on my passions, too much time being spent on these things isn’t a good thing. Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, right? I just don’t know how to make that change. So much of my identity itself is caught up in my passions that I don’t know how to find my identity in Christ, where it really should be found.

I’m guilty of wanting to spend so much of my time pouring over learning how to develop myself surround all the temporary things in life (but still matter), but then have a fruitless tree over in my Jesus garden. That’s not good. That’s not good at all.

I see the need, but honestly, I’m such a Paul…I hate that I don’t get it right and don’t know how to get it right.

It's beyond food.

I get excited about my food. I get excited about what I'm going to make for dinner, what I can pack myself for lunch, what recipes I can look up during my day, what cool creations I can throw together, what I'm going to buy at the store that week...

I get excited about my food.

But before, that is, before Whole30, food was my source of comfort. I mean, yeah, it was a lot more to me than comfort, but there was CERTAINLY this emotional dependency on food (read my entire story if you want to get a better idea of how bad it was). The success or failure of my diet became my identity, that's all there really was to me. And honestly, there was DEFINITELY a point in time when I never, ever, ever pictured myself abstaining from treats for more than a week much less 60+ days. 

But today, that changed. 

Today, for the first time in over 60 days, I had my first "treat." Now, remember, "treats" to me used to be my moment of release, freedom, if you will. However, I learned that viewing a moment in time of me eating food (of poor quality and great quantity) that will end up making me sick to my stomach and mentally screwed up is hardly freedom at all; in fact, it isn't. I was nervous of that happening again when I had made the decision to make my treat this time around. But, I knew there was no way it could mess me up like the old treats did. Why? Because I am no longer the person I used to be. It's that simple.

My treat today was homemade ice cream--made of frozen bananas, coconut milk and melted pure dark chocolate drizzled on top. It was heavenly, to say the LEAST! I was giggling with excitement to the point that I wanted to tear up! And I realized that the reason why I was so excited was because the fear I had always had when had when eating a treat, the guilt that always accompanied it, was no more. There was no power over me. I'm in charge and I owned that title for the first time today. I made a treat and I wasn't sinking into a dark hole within a few minutes after eating it. That is huge! In all seriousness, it was incredible to me because for the first time, I ate something out of genuine desire, and not out of help/emotion/stress/therapy/dependency/addiction and was able to walk away after eating it and be truly satisfied, not crying for more.

Again, that is huge.

Before I made my treat, I had a fabulous lunch, grassfed burgers with a piece of plantain on each patty, zucchini slices rubbed in herbs, and sautéed onions and mushrooms. YUM. Absolute YUM.

Then, I made oven-roasted tomatoes from nomnompaleo's recipe. I was thumbing through her cookbook and came to the page with the yummy-looking tomatoes, and decided to make it on the fly today with my local, fresh plum tomatoes. :) Yay, local. The only difference was that I used a mix of Italian Seasoning that contains basil, oregano, rosemary, thyme, etc. as well as garlic powder. She says she uses basil or thyme, but any combination of spices like this will work. In three words...

They. were. spectacular.

Oh. my. gosh.

Okay, so 6 words.

To wrap this up, I named this post "It's beyond food" because I'm happy to say that this freedom I am talking about that I experienced while preparing/eating my treat, is the same freedom I feel in knowing that the reason why I'm so healthy, and doing so well are for reasons beyond just food.

Of course, food plays the foundation of all things (to quote Melissa and Dallas Hartwig, It Starts With Food, as in, everything starts with food). But, there are a ton of other reasons why I'm feeling at my best, more than I ever have before...balance. It's a balance between my recovery, my exercise, my temperance, my play, my sleep, my personal growth...And yes, of course there is a ton of room for growth because I'm not perfect (as you read my downcast-oh-my-soul post previously). But, I know that I'm happy with who I am because I am, for the first time, understanding what it means to love myself beyond having the perfect plate of food, but genuinely taking care of myself with other factors of life that mean just as much as nutrition.

Wow, this has been quite the insightful weekend. 

It's Happy Easter everyday, not just this weekend. You know why? Because Jesus died and rose again for this freedom that I'm speaking about. It might not mean much to you, but if there is anything you must understand in life, it is that food holds great, great power...to heal or to destroy (well, those kinds of foods aren't even considered food, but you get it). I lived enslaved to food my whole life and that reality honestly has become a social norm in our world today. So many don't see the issue with the food on their plate, the American food industry, bla bla bla. It's funny because if you are deciding to be healthy, you get looks from people, but nobody bats an eyelash when you stuff yourself with beer and pizza every night. Jesus died for that too. Jesus died for people like me who felt like they had no hope for change. And to bring freedom into the world, He rose again. God cares about my story. If he didn't care, Jesus wouldn't have rose again to bring that freedom, that grace, that love back into the world. 

And although I fail Him daily, I do know that my freedom that I'm telling you about today is because of Him. Not because of Whole30, because Whole30 is a tool, an instrumental branch in God's mighty orchestra that God used as an avenue to reach me down in my pit of despair. 

That being said, please enjoy these collages of my fun this weekend, where freedom lives.

Food.

Temperance.