A lot can happen in 60 days

60 days of clean eating.

I never actually intended to do this challenge for 60 days from the beginning; I was going to do 30 days and then learn how to navigate with these new habits from there. But when I got to the end of my 30 days, I could feel within myself that my body wasn’t ready yet. I had this innate sense that I needed more time to adjust to these new habits before learning how to live outside of the “Whole30 Challenge” on my own.

So 60 days straight of clean eating? That's huge for me, considering I never thought I'd be able to go 6 days without a treat much less 60. I know, I know...you all have read my rants about Whole30 and my story, etc. etc. BUT, in this post, I would like to highlight some of the results the Whole30 Program provided me with during this journey! 

Even though I know my identity is no longer based on the whole "before and after pictures/measurements," I do want to share these things with you, so you can have tangible proof of the program's success and not just take my word for it. :) Plus, it's still pretty exciting to me to see these changes take place and receive improvement. It’s even more exciting to know that my confidence is not based on the victory of these things anymore, they're just a really great bi-product of focusing on what's really important: holistic health and wellness. 

*Before Whole30, I complained about the following:

• Cravings--emotionally triggered.
• Uninspired, lazy, unmotivated, negative, serious bouts of depression, unapproachable, unhappy
• Tired; just plain tired, physically, emotionally, mentally.
• Sleeping uneasily--not staying asleep, taking forever to fall asleep.
• Fluctuation between constipation and diarrhea.
• Energy slumps in the afternoon and mid-morning--blood sugar crashing. 
• Dark circles, few faint blemishes on the skin
• Foggy mind; inability to concentrate for long periods of time
• Gym performance--slower, tired, negative thoughts, longer time to recover, weaker.
• My thought process: "It's the weekend, that means I can binge."
• Weight gain--clothes fitting tighter and tighter
• Bloated tummy

*After Whole30, I rejoiced about the following:

•            My cravings no longer own me. I am no longer a slave to the random “hits” that would make me feel overwhelmed with the need for sugar. How did that happen? Well, besides the hard elimination of these “food with no brakes” from my diet completely (going cold turkey is always best), there were other strategies that Whole30 suggested in combatting the sugar dragon that you will find helpful for yourself too:

-H.A.L.T.

Which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When you’re faced with cravings, you should ask yourself these questions. Okay, I want a cookie right now. But am I really craving or am I just hungry? Am I angry or emotional? Am I lonely or bored? Am I tired? 99% of the time, after taking a moment to pause and ask yourself these questions and answer yes to one or more of them, you won’t want that cookie anymore, or you won’t go through with actually eating it, at least.

  -Cravings=stress and stress=cravings

Therefore, we can deduce that if we manage our stress, we would simultaneously manage our cravings. Right? Right. Think about it, what do we normally do when we’re fuming mad or super emotional and down? Comfort ourselves with food. If we change our root habit, we change the branches of that habit. So, I had to find ways of managing my stress without the use of food, and here are a few strategies that helped:

• Talk to someone you trust right away, someone that will truly be there for me in those moments of stressing out and feeling vulnerable.
• Go for a walk. However long or short, getting outside for a few minutes to walk it off and clear your head (and pray) helps so much.
• Make plans for what you can do that weekend/week for yourself. When people think about rewarding themselves, it usually involves food, but there are so many other ways you can celebrate/relax without the use of food. Make a plan for yourself to go get a massage, sign up for a special exercise/cooking/sport class you’ve been wanting to take, SLEEP, set aside a time to go out and read somewhere, go to the beach, go grab a movie with your friends/family, the list goes on. And really, if you’re a foodie like me, I find it relaxing to plan my healthy meals for the following week or jotting down ideas for my next travel plans (The Whole30 Dream Vacation) although it technically involves thinking about food, it’s not the same thing as eating food.

I could go on and on about how cravings = stress, but really all you have to remember at the end of the day is manage the stress that you can control in your life instead of thinking about the stress you can’t control. Manage your sleep habits (getting 7 hours minimum sleep every night), take care of the food on your plate (abiding by Whole30 standards), taking time to unwind in a non-food way…these things will definitely help you feel less stressed and more in control of your life than you feel you are when you’re overwhelmed and more tempted to cave into cravings.

•             I’m happy. I’m genuinely happier, brighter, more approachable, bubbly, friendlier, less stressed, motivated, inspired and empowered. How? I changed the food on my plate. What does that have to do with anything? Every single thing in your body (and mind) starts with food. I can’t emphasize this enough: your mental outlook, your emotions, your attitude…ALL tied to FOOD. Try it if you don’t believe me. I can’t wait to see how shocked you’ll be.

• I’m definitely not tired anymore. Of course I get tired because I’m a human being. But before Whole30, I was sluggish and falling asleep at my wheel, at my desk, and was hit hard by mid-morning and mid-afternoon energy slumps. But with the establishment and practice of healthy sleep habits every night, my body readjusted and began to set its own natural alarm clock. I no longer have to hit the snooze button 5 times. In fact, I’m awake right at 6:00 a.m. every morning before my alarm even goes off. When I wake up, I feel good. Sure, I rub my eyes and feel a little tired, but it’s not the same; I have boundless energy for my 6:30 a.m. Crossfit class and I’m ready to take on my day.

• My poop is regular. That definitely feels so much better, haha!

•           Whole30 said people would be noticing a different “glow” about me during this transformation, and they couldn’t have been more right. I keep getting compliments that I’m “glowing,” that my skin is brighter, clearer, when it really wasn’t even that bad before! My eyes are brighter with less dark circles than before. My smile is more genuine, and honestly, prettier because that too is brighter! In fact, I’m pretty sure my teeth are whiter, haha.

•       My gym performance has improved dramatically. I don’t feel tired to the point of dying when I work out. Of course you feel beat down in the moment, but I recover quickly afterwards and have more “push” in the midst of those workouts. I feel faster, healthier, stronger and it shows. Mentally, I have more within myself to keep pushing harder, to keep going, to have more grace with myself, to actually believe in myself.

•      And obviously, it goes without saying that in the midst of all these changes, I saw one of the best measurements of proof—the loose-fitting clothes. At first I saw little changes here and there, but nothing dramatic per say, seeing as how I was already eating a paleo-based diet beforehand (minus the binge moments) and doing Crossfit consistently, so my body wasn’t necessarily shocked by the Whole30 as far as weight loss goes (but omg everything else was!). However, as time went on some more during these 60 days and I started to pay attention to my portion controls via “The Zone”, I saw the clothes getting baggier and baggier. Needless to say, it felt great. I was gaining muscle, but still losing weight/inches, therefore becoming leaner. That’s a hard thing to do, guys! No more bloated tummy!

I finally look in the mirror and love what I see on the inside and it makes me love the outside.

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"
1 Samuel 16:7

Grace, up close and personal

Guys, I am at a loss for words to describe how grateful I am for the grace of God, the continual, undeserving, unending, powerful, genuine, fulfilling and purging grace of God. I celebrated my very first Whole60 this past Friday, March 20^th. That. Is. Crazy. Do you know how big of a deal that is? Do you have any idea how big of a deal that is for someone like me? Let us refresh with some of my words back in October 2014, before I started my very first Whole30…

“I just gave you my entire story of being controlled by food and its powerful ability to mess up my emotions. You can see there is a long history of change that has been needing to happen for quite some time now. My cravings do control me and the idea of not being able to have a "treat" meal (why do we call eating bad things a treat?) once a week scares the crap out of me because I'm afraid of how hard that will be, the repercussions of withdrawal………but isn't that a good thing? Of course, when I take a step back and not think about the brownie cookie and chocolate cheesecake I had today and how delicious they were, then yeah, I know it's best. But man…that Waterfront Cinnamon Roll….how could you not want to eat that? That's what makes me so angry at myself as well. I know I shouldn't eat it. I'm even reading Whole30's guideline book, It Starts With Food, detailing every single reason why these foods are bad for us and what they do to our bodies and I still eat it. *smack my head.*” (9/29/14, My messed-up, topsy turvy, up and down, all around personal health story).

When I re-read that post, among other journal/blog entries of me pouring out my soul in desperation for change, I kind of cringe inside. In fact, I would even say I’m a bit embarrassed, even ashamed. I remember so vividly being the person that was so concerned about my bodily aesthetics. I mean, look at my blog posts back then! It’s sad. It’s really sad because I just sound like a trivial girl only concerned about numbers, PRs, measurements, percentages, bla bla bla. I sound like there was no other depth to me than that…and because of the person I am now, five months later, that makes me very sad. That’s not who I am anymore, and I never want anyone to ever associate me with being that old person. I’ve even considered taking down those old posts because if you listen to the voice I had then versus the voice I have now, they’re different. They’re night and day. Something was missing in my posts five months ago that is no longer missing now.

Quite simply, it was Jesus.

“I’ve learned that my identity isn’t tied to before-and-after pictures, measurements, and gains and losses, but is rooted so much deeper than that. You created this program for those seeking healing, whole healing and I joined your wagon wanting that healing just as much as the millions of others who have come to experience Whole30. However, Melissa Hartwig, your program revealed a lot more inside of me than inflammation, hormonal imbalance, a compromised gut, and psychological disruption. In addition to those ailments, I discovered brokenness, craters, holes, scars, buried pains, insecurities, and doubt that were left out to dry, with no hope of water. The Whole30 has been a very real, powerful and pivotal tool in extending the healing that God so badly longs to give to us, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.” (3/17/15, Dear Melissa: I got up from my table).

If you read my post I wrote in September, My messed-up, topsy turvy, up and down, all around personal health story, and pay attention to the way I wrote it, the way I spoke, what I spoke about, etc. and compare it to my recent post of me sharing my story, with the perspective of having done the Whole60, the difference is shocking.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

As I shared in my post Dear Melissa: I got up from my table, I come from a background of no longer wanting to be alive because of how much self-hatred I had towards myself, all tied to the successes or failures of my diet and exercise. Food controlled my life. I distinctly remember coming home every day, one week before starting my very first Whole30, and breaking into my family’s piggy bank of tons of coins to make $5.00 here, $6.00 there to pay for a cookie one day, a cinnamon roll the next day…Now if that doesn’t sound like a crack addict, I don’t know what does. I lived in darkness, guys. Darkness covered me more than my own shame and self-pity, every single day. And you know what?

I don’t want to forget it. I never want to forget that place, that person, those memories, those feelings. I will never remove those olds posts that have the voice of the old me because it further proves the point of Jesus’ transformation in my heart, in my life, in my mind, in my body. At the end of the day, I was that person. I may cringe, and feel a tad embarrassed re-reading those things, but then I replace those feelings with gratitude, extreme gratitude from the grace that has been given to me.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18

So, what did I do to celebrate my Whole60?

 I reflected.

I remembered where I came from: the horrors I went through for years, the thoughts that would consume me and choke me with emotions of worthlessness, emotions that I thought I would never shake. I never believed victory was mine and never would be. But Jesus died for a lot more than I thought—he died for all the chains of enslavement to perfectionism that I for so long held hard and fast to, even if I didn’t want to.

I learned that the difference this time around is that Christ became my source of freedom and power. Finally, I understood it—I can’t free myself.

So, with face to floor, I cried out, begging Him to help me let go of the unrealistic standards I held myself to. I changed to focus on whole living, holistic health, the long-awaited rehabilitation and healing of my insides, the rejuvenation of my very dry, cracked, and broken desert-land of a heart. And in return, I got a rushing waterfall of love. I was no longer fulfilled by the temporary and cheap comfort of a sugar spike, but by the lasting, real and personal reassurance that I have been promised an abundant life (John 10:10) and real wellness (Luke 17:19).

I have been made well, and am continually being made well every day. The only way I can continue on, though, is to stop striving with my own strength and understanding, and remember where I came from, remember exactly Who did the rescuing, Who did the freeing and rest assured in that.

Jesus is my biggest fan. But for the first time, thank God, I can say…

So am I.

Two words: Eat. Local.

Wednesdays are one of my favorite days, not only because it’s half-way until Friday, but because it’s farmer’s market day. :) If you’ve ever been down to Camana Bay on a Wednesday between 10:30 and 5 p.m., you know it’s madness. Everyone is scurrying around Patrick’s stand trying to take the last bit of his eggs (which always sell out before noon) or they’re trying to get the best herbs and spices possible from Tammer or they’re lining up by the dozen for Clarence’s coconut water, straw and coconut included. Each farmer has their own style/specialty and they all bring something different to the table…for you to bring to your table.  ;)

What’s even more neat about our farmer’s market is that just opposite of the farmers (infront of Soles/Island Company) is the artisan’s market (infront of the Discovery Centre). They have just as much to offer! Angela Wood from Cayman Scents is the next best thing to Bath & Body Works on this island, minus all the chemicals. She makes her own lotions, scrubs, candles, sprays, soaps all from natural, eco-friendly ingredients and for someone with skin sensitivities like myself, this is awesome. Not to mention they smell AMAZING. Then there are the thatch ladies showcasing the Cayman thatch baskets and purses, the Caymanite jewelry stand that sell the most gorgeous cuts of conch, black coral and Caymanite I’ve ever seen. It’s all worth seeing. It’s so celebratory to see artists showcasing their work, making a living off of their talent and just makes you so grateful you live in a place that allows these vendors to thrive so well.

Coming back to our farmers, make sure you peruse the stands first to see what each farmer is selling. More than likely, a lot of them are selling the same things, but some may be better quality (and cheaper!) than others. You’ll also find that some farmers have a monopoly on certain things. For example, I LOVE kale and there’s only this one particular farmer that grows the exact kind of kale I like, so I always buy from him. Patrick is the only one who sells an abundance (most of the time) of good quality eggs, so I always buy from him. Tammer’s stand always has breadfruit, neezeberries, custard apples, all the kinds of fruit you hardly see other farmers bring. Again, each is unique. Check each one out! :)

Still don’t wanna go? I’ll convince you.

        

• It’s local. You really can’t get any better than that. Local means a lot of things, but specifically, you have such a huge variety of local produce to choose from each farmer that grew the produce here on your island home. You are buying something that is home-grown! It’s fresh, straight from the land to your plate. I never realized just how much Cayman was capable of as far as agriculture goes until I came to the Farmer’s Market. You would be so surprised to see the vast amount of things that can grow here, and with that in mind, knowing that I am helping my neighbor make a living to grow my food for me with the resources we share on our island home, that is certainly worth celebrating!  I’m telling you, guys, agricultural tourism is growing.

• Think quality. You’ve heard it before, but you are, quite literally, what you eat. You can certainly bet that whatever is on the inside will most definitely show up on the outside, and I really didn’t understand just how true that was until I started focusing on food quality/eating real food two years ago. Sure, okay, yeah, I’m a “paleo-eater,” or have adapted the “paleo-diet” lifestyle, if you want to give it a label (click the link to read more about paleo), but to keep it real plain and simple and not mislead people with the word diet, I eat real food. Quality matters, people. Corn/grain-fed cows pumped full of hormones and raised in brutally tight spaces in a factory farm versus grass-fed cows left to grow and roam free on open land and live a natural cycle of life. Need I say more?

• Local is cheaper…sometimes. Did you see that? Sometimes. Guess what, guys. Cheaper does not always mean better. In fact, that’s never usually the case. However, buying locally does have an advantage on your wallet because you can usually buy more for far less than you would at a grocery store, who marks up the price in addition to the original price of bringing in the produce in the first place. Just remember, demanding the best quality in anything usually means spending more money and you are either committed to that the best that you can be or you aren’t. To be honest, yes, I will always spend extra simply because it is that important to me. I will be the one to buy a 13.00 dollar salad at the Brasserie (which only uses local ingredients) twice a week (I had to limit myself) and not throw a fuss because the quality is worth it. I will be the one to only do grocery shopping at Kirk Market because they’re the freshest and committed to organic produce. Am I always able to do this? No, I don’t have a rushing waterfall of money flowing from my wallet, so I stay committed to quality by budgeting very carefully what I can and cannot afford (more on shopping tips and lists in a later post). Secondly, I am not always able to cook for myself with my own ingredients. I do leave my house sometimes, guys. Sheesh.  I don’t stress myself over knowing if a beef patty is from a grass-fed cow or not. I don’t worry if the vegetables I’m eating were sustainably grown or not. I go out to dinner and do the best that I can in any situation I’m in with minimal stress. All you can really do is make the best choice anywhere, anytime, any circumstance. ANYWAY, the takeaway from ALL of this is to try to pay more attention to where exactly your food comes from and make the changes you can afford to make and feel the difference in your body and even your mind. :)

• It’s fun! Maybe it’s just me, but I think going out on food explorations is fun. You become a modern day hunter and gatherer (yes, another paleo reference). I love to try new things in life generally, but especially when it comes to food. Going out to the market and seeing all these new vegetables I’ve never seen before and try them out for myself in my kitchen is an adventure in and of itself. Sometimes it’s a major fail, but most times, something really tasty emerges from these home-grown ingredients. :)

Go do yourself, your body, your neighbor, and Cayman some good and visit the farmer’s market. Then, tell me how it was. After you do that, walk across the street to the artisan market and get crafty with your local artists. You’ll be so surprised at what you’ll find and how much you want it all. 

Dear Melissa, I got up from my table.

Finally, after writing this letter for over a month, I finished my letter to Melissa Hartwig (co-creator and founder of the Whole30 Program). You're going to hear me referring to this program all the time, so you might as well get used to who Melissa is and what the heck the Whole30 is. Trust me, it's worth your time. 

I wrote this letter to Melissa as my way of sharing my success story with her. I wanted to explain in the best way that I could just how much she has actually done to help me and how much healing has already been underway in my life before I even knew it. 

Some may be a little surprised by my brutal honesty in this letter and may even find out information about me that they never knew before, but really, all I can say in response to that is...it's the truth. And I don't have any more life to waste tolerating anything less than the truth. 

~

March 12, 2015

Dear Melissa,

Let me introduce myself before I share so much of my life with you in these next pages. My name is Nicole Crance, I’m a 22-year-old Crossfit trainer in the Cayman Islands (born and raised here), and I am a recovering food addict thanks to the Whole30 program. I’m pretty certain this is one of the most difficult letters I’ve ever had to write simply because there is so much to say, so much to explain, so much I wish you could know automatically without me having to tell you, but I want to take the time to share with you anyway, even if you read this much later (I know you’re busy!)

In a nutshell, I grew up as one of the many kids in this world that believed Wendy’s after school everyday was okay, turning to Cookies N’ Cream ice cream for therapy from stress, and late night cereal was okay as a second dinner (following a bowl of spaghetti and garlic bread eaten earlier). However, I also believed in the wheat-bread-is-better-than-white-low-fat-yogurt-all-day-to-lose-weight lifestyle. I tried everything: Slim-Fast shakes, Subway diets, calorie restriction, Weight Watchers, you name it. I was twelve years old, hated my body, hated my genes (and my jeans), and had a very perverted definition of what health, beauty, self-respect or even fitness meant.

In college, I gained the Freshman 30, not 15. I sunk into a very real, and very dangerous level of depression. My mental health was collapsing, my emotions were all over the place, and I was not happy unless I was losing weight, i.e. on my way to becoming beautiful. Pretty typical, right? So many girls share the same feelings every single day. But I didn’t see my life like that. I saw myself as the only one in the world sinking into a dark, deep, dangerous hole of self-hatred and mad at the world because things just couldn’t, for the life of me, go my way.

Desperate for a change, I joined my Crossfit gym here on the island and was introduced to the paleo world for the first time. During the introduction discussion with the coach, he went over all the basics of eating real food, which was a total shocker to me because I come from eat-whatever-you-want-and-burn-it-off-later world. It was hard for all this information to compute coming from a Weight Watchers lifestyle, but I tried it, and became the smallest I think I had ever been, which was so awesome to me. I lost all the weight, and was now working on putting on the muscle. But of course, the cycle is a lot more harsh and manipulative than that, so due to the usual stress, sleep deprivation, emotional ups and downs, and lack of truly understanding how to approach health and eating well (even though I knew what to eat), I gained the weight back. I felt horrible. I found the key to real health, and I still couldn’t handle my eating habits. I felt like a slave, forever trapped and ruled by my habits.

To speed things up, skip ahead to my first Whole30 in October 2014, which I had been avoiding since September 2013 (when I first heard of the program). There was no way that I was going to be able to not eat sweets, paleo or not, not have carbs when I was upset, not have a cheat night, not be able to have almond milk lattes, not be able to eat non-compliant bacon (too bad U.S. Wellness Meats doesn’t ship to the Caribbean, boo), not be able to snack on fruits, etc. There was no way. I needed sugar. I needed food as my comfort. But really, I just needed help. I broke down too many times a day, having so much self-pity, sinking deeper into depression and self-hatred, not meeting my performance goals in the gym, not fitting in my clothes after working so hard for so long, and honestly, just not feeling well in general. Constipation, dark circles, exhaustion, bloated stomach, fogginess, mental breakdowns, being super negative, mood swings…I could list so many reasons why I needed to do Whole30. So, I teamed up with one of my best friends, Brianna, and we did it, having very similar stories of struggle with weight and food all our lives.

Thirty days later, we completed our very first Whole30, feeling the best we have ever felt. I must say, we were more focused on the physical changes that took place for us more than the mental ones. We saw our performance in the gym rise considerably, clothes fit looser, better sleeping habits were established, I could get up at 6:00 a.m. with boundless energy that remained stable throughout the day, I didn’t need to snack between meals anymore, my bowel movements were regular, there were so many positive things happening that I felt invincible.

However, I knew deep down that mentally, I was still in the place of having chains tied to food for comfort/punishment. I hated myself for so long that I didn’t know what it meant to heal my body or even my mind. In fact, I was so used to being angry with myself, that I didn’t think I deserved to try and figure out what it meant to be the healthiest me. I was afraid that I would get to that place and still not be happy. It really took a lot of convincing from the Whole30 Daily emails to keep me in check with making sure I knew why I was doing this challenge. I had to make sure that my reasons went beyond aesthetics.

Today, I am on Day 52 of my second Whole30. In 8 days, I will have completed my very first Whole60. I never thought it was possible. All I can really say is, on this second time around, I’ve learned new things I hadn’t the first time, grown in the areas I wanted to, and most importantly, experienced firsthand what it truly means to live optimally and never settle for less than I deserve…

If I can get even more personal with you, woman to woman, I want to share exactly how I came to this realization (to not settle for less than I deserve). I was Insta-browsing (Instagram browsing, haha), and I saw your picture-post that read, “You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” That really hit me. I remember pausing and realizing I’ve been cheating myself of truly reaching optimal health for months on end…

I started dating this guy in October 2014, but to me, he was more than just a guy…we hit it off so well that I thought this was it. He was sincerely a dream to me and little did I know, I was so undoubtedly, and unbelievably fooled. I had many red flags along the way, including close friends sharing their discomfort with our relationship, the little insecurities that evolved into huge trust issues between him and I, and more unique than anything else, my cravings. It got to the point that whenever I was around him, I craved bad food. I felt emotionally unwell; hopeless, lazy, negative, all those emotions leading to a downward spiral…and I didn’t pay attention to them. I just took that as, well, my Whole30 isn’t fully done yet clearly, since I’m still battling these cravings. When he wasn’t around, I felt more focused, more positive, less cravy, less crazy. That’s never happened to me before. A human being made me that stressed to the point of cravings signaling to me this guy was bad news.

But I realized in those moments of pausing as I read that picture post on your Instagram that I was suffering so much more than I let on; my emotional, spiritual, and mental health was suffering for a very long time in this “relationship” and that wasn’t very loving of me towards myself. I decided that I had been fighting for far too long for optimal health my whole life, for a place of really loving myself, for a place of really taking hold of what I deserve, to let this guy take that away from me, no matter how much of a “dream” he was (when he was really a nightmare). I’ve been through far too many tears, years of self-hatred and depression to let someone keep me from walking the road I was doing so well on, the road I had so long sought after. So, I let him go.

I started this Whole30 journey sure I couldn’t do it, sure I couldn’t give up emotional dependency on food. Yet, I made the start because I was desperate for healing and help with years of food addiction, desiring permanent weight loss, and uprooting uncontrollable cravings. But when I look at who I am right now, so much more has happened over these past five months than I had ever originally sought for on Day 0. I’ve been brought to my knees in frustration, I've been jealous of the victories others around me received while I felt alone in my efforts, I've been discouraged to the point of believing the lie if I were to disappear, it wouldn't matter because there's nothing special about me, I have felt the physical pain of having my heart ripped to shreds by a man whose sole agenda is personal and selfish gain, and I have been brought to my face in tears begging God for freedom--freedom in life, not just in food.

Jesus said in John 10:10 that he came to give us life, life more abundantly, to the fullest. And honestly, Melissa, I've spent the past ten years of my life seeking that abundant life from every single outlet except from the actual Source. All my efforts would yield is me standing empty-handed and even more hollow on the inside than from the previous attempt. I have made food, obsession of perfection, weight loss, measurements, comparison among my peers, PRs in the gym, jeans sizes, and body fat percentages be my idols, my factors that determine my happiness and fulfillment. But not anymore. That was not the kind of life I was made to live and although it took a long time to get here, I've tasted and seen God's relentless passion for me and not allowing me to settle for less than I deserve, even when I think I know best. He gave me the courage to get up from my table, because love stopped being served a long time ago.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I wanted to try to explain an ounce of the depth to which your program has saved my life. As you know, one of the exercises in the Whole30 Daily emails is to write out how we visualize ourselves after our challenge, in our post-Whole30 life.  I remember writing out every detail of how I visualized myself living my life—prepping meals at night for the next day, maintaining sustainable energy thanks to fueling myself with fat and not sugar, getting a minimum of 7 hours sleep, talking to a trusted friend, going for a walk or even napping as methods of coping with stress, understanding that the foods I would eat for comfort before are just promises of false hope, solve nothing and only give pain and slavery. I visualized myself rewarding myself with activities that didn’t involve food, focusing on spending more time with loved ones, using H.A.L.T. when cravings hit and taking a moment to consider why these cravings are coming on and not just compulsively satisfying them…the list goes on and on. And you know what, these things don’t always happen. I’m not perfect. Life isn’t perfect. Things happen to me sometimes that make me feel like I’m taking a step backwards instead of forwards, but I know the habits that I have learned through this program are permanent and I’m not who I was—I’m no longer slave to the stresses of my day and victim to the easy temptation that accompanies it because now, I see right through those lies. I can happily, and gratefully report that the “post-Whole30 me” that I dreamed about five months ago when I first started the program is who I am…and more.

I’ve learned that my identity isn’t tied to before-and-after pictures, measurements, and gains and losses, but is rooted so much deeper than that. You created this program for those seeking healing, whole healing and I joined your wagon wanting that healing just as much as the millions of others who have come to experience Whole30. However, Melissa Hartwig, your program revealed a lot more inside of me than inflammation, hormonal imbalance, a compromised gut, and psychological disruption. In addition to those ailments, I discovered brokenness, craters, holes, scars, buried pains, insecurities, and doubt that were left out to dry, with no hope of water. The Whole30 has been a very real, powerful and pivotal tool in extending the healing that God so badly longs to give to us, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Your passion and unending commitment to your program, health and human beings in general provided a powerful relighting to my flame. The reason I even wanted to be a coach in the first place was to walk alongside those searching for answers, for help, the way I did (and still do), not just in their fitness or nutrition goals, but for their entire life; I wanted to be a friend, a mentor, a shoulder. Your program has not only given me the tools to be able to spread the good food word, but provided direction for me in understanding how to better myself and maintain these newly developed habits throughout my life. Best of all, I get to merge my passion to support and educate others and watch them develop a love for optimal living into my career. That, indeed, is a beautiful thing.

If you don’t remember anything I have said after reading this very long letter, please remember my thank you to you, Dallas and your Whole30 team. I have come to realize that the high standard that you set for us is for the sole purpose of teaching that we deserve the best, and won’t allow us to cheat ourselves of anything less than that.

I’m not perfect (still need reminding of this) and I still struggle to believe in myself, my own story, my own voice, my own abilities and qualities, I still fall to the lie that I’m not special and won’t be of any instrumental use to others, but each day, those lies are disarmed and become less and less vocal by replacing it with reaffirmation from loved ones around me, seeing how far I’ve come, and thanking God Almighty for keeping me away from the things that only encourage disaster.

The truth is, I was never meant to live so poorly—poor in spirit, body and mind. And now, I can say thank you, Whole30, for being an incredible breakthrough in my long-standing habits that put me in a place of fear and being generally unwell. Thank God for making me brave enough to believe that my inheritance has always been an abundant life of nothing but wellness, nothing but wholeness—spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Although it took awhile, and although I made a lot of wrong decisions along the way, I can look in the mirror and smile now, knowing that the girl that’s staring back at me has been through so much, but was never forgotten and has just been building an incredible story to share with every person willing to give an ear. That girl knows real and permanent freedom, she knows there’s more to her identity than food success stories, Crossfit certifications, perfectly planned and cooked meals, or simply applying the unrealistic expectation to be the best and be perfect at everything she does. She’s incredibly ecstatic about the changes she has made and the breakthroughs that have happened, but she is even more fulfilled by the fact that she knows she is loved, indescribably loved by the One who is the definition of love, for just being who she is and nothing can steal that freedom, that love, that promise.

I’m no longer captive and finally, after fighting for so long, I can sit at a new table.

Thank you for responding to your calling to be right where you are and creating such hope to people all over, everywhere. Thank you for caring about me, holistically. I wish you, your family and your team continued success and blessings.

Forever gratefully yours in health,

Nicole L. Crance