Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Day 0: Whole30 goals, dreams, prayers, fears and all in between

So, as part of my pre-Whole30 preparation, I have been instructed to write down my goals, my fears, my expectations, etc. before starting this journey tomorrow. Today, day 0, the calm before the storm. Okay, seriously? Stop it. Thinking about this 30 day process like that will only make me enter viewing it like a child having their toy taken away for a month, not rehabilitation, which is what this actually is. It's for my own good, so suck it up, Buttercup, and stop thinking about it as something painful or impossible.

First thing is first: goals. Goals made should be attainable/doable, specific and detailed. Say the goal and how you plan to accomplish it.

My Whole30 Goals:

I want to my own Whole30 to be about healing. It is one of my goals to remember this fact every day, for the next 30 days and beyond. 

1) I will plan out each of my meals to the best of my ability and ensure that they are prepared ahead of time so that no emotional breakdowns occur due to hunger. My plan of action includes me thinking of what I'll eat for dinner the night before so I can prepare accordingly by defrosting the protein, etc. in the morning before work, cutting vegetables already, etc. Also, I plan to pack my snacks for work in the morning before I head out.

2) I will get at least 6-8 hours of sleep every single night; good sleep, before midnight.

3) I will not include fruit juice as a part of my challenge, even though it is allowed. The reason for this decision is because I know that I personally use fruit/fruit juice as my replacement when I'm craving sugar, so I want to step away from that, cutting off my source, cold-turkey.

4) I will have some fruit (low in sugar) during my 30 days, but only every other day. My focus is to engage in vegetables as much as possible, especially green vegetables.

5) I will "reward" myself once a week with a starchy carb of my choice after a workout. I don't usually eat them because I'm trying to lose weight and they're more friendly to people that are already at their goal body composition. My plan is to cook this rewarding treat after my Saturday morning workouts and include it with my brunch or breakfast. I'm already daydreaming about the Paleo Diner-Style Home Fries made by Melissa Joulwan on her blog, The Clothes Make The Girl (check her out!). I can't wait to make them!

6) I have learned from previous experience that fat actually does make you fat...when you have too much of it on your plate. Crossfit trainers and paleo eaters will say that fat doesn't make you fat, carbs makes you fat and that is 100% true. However, I know I was overdoing it on my portions sizes with fat. I needed to stay full at each meal, so I figured that I should put a lot of it, what was the harm? But, fat happens to be dense. 20 almonds is crazy for a snack because it has tons of calories; yes, good calories, but calories nonetheless. I know during my Whole30 I have to stick to "dollop" avocado/guac portions, or very minimal amounts of mixed nuts (macadamia and cashews preferably), and my oils to be 1-2 tbsp.

7) Avoiding: dried fruit, fruit juice, goat cheese, sheep's milk, mixed nuts.

8) What is one thing a week that I can do to de-stress and celebrate me that is not associated with food? Pick one thing each week and do it. Ex: Going to the beach and tanning, having tea outside in the afternoon, reading, getting a massage, etc.

My Whole30 Dreams and Prayers:

To be free.

Of course there are the surface dreams of loss in body weight, body fat, toned body (I know that I won't look like my trainers in 30 days, but hey, one can dream about it, haha). And then there's the dream of just feeling better in general. I don't know how to explain it other than just not feeling good. I don't feel well. I don't feel like my body is my own. I feel heavy, bloated, grouchy, depressed, upset, anxious, negative, constipated and tired, really tired. It sucks.

The part that is most deceptive about feeling this bad is that I still seem to do pretty okay in my workouts; I move well, move fairly quickly, PR in pretty much each lift, but when I take a look at my external and pay attention to how my insides feel, nothing has changed. I've plateaued. I haven't moved in loss of body fat and weight in months even with me eating paleo 95% of the time (and the other 5% being overcarbsumption during my treat meals). Something's wrong. Something's out of whack. I'm tired of it, and yet I am still so very much enslaved to these cravings. I think the scariest part about all of this is knowing exactly what that cinnamon roll, frozen yogurt, brownie, cookie, cheesecake and pizza do to me with all its grains, sugar and dairy and I still choose to eat it. I still say yes, somehow justifying it in the moment and have NOTHING but regret afterwards. I don't know how it happens. I don't know why I can't understand these foods for what they really are and walk away. I'm a drug addict and I sneak around and keep it a secret from everyone and scurry around for extra money to support the habit. It's pathetic. It's scary. It's real.

And finally, my biggest dream, my biggest prayer is to be free from these cravings, to be in full control of my own body, my own mind and not be held captive by false desires. I so badly desire healing. I want healing in my gut, I want healing in my blood, my mind, my heart, my bones, my skin, my hair, my intestines, my everywhere.

I know it might sound weird, but somehow, I do picture the future me and she isn't like this Nikki that sits here right now. I picture myself more committed to my diet, more committed to my health, stronger mentally, encouraged, inspirational and not feeling so hypocritical, athletically fit, and just...happy. So, am I going to be happy when I "arrive" at the body I want? I hope not. I hope it doesn't take me having to "arrive" to feel happy. But I do know that Whole30 is the start to that journey. I do know that Whole30 is the start to the freedom that I imagine for myself. How do I face food? How do I know how much to have and when to have it (as in "treats")? How do I say no to things that aren't good for me without having the battle of cravings in my mind?

I'm desperate for change. I'm desperate for healing. And I need it now. I pray that I somehow recognize these positive changes along the way during this next month that keeps me encouraged. It isn't just about the scale, but the victory that comes on the inside. I want to see those differences to know just how much this is working for me. I pray I recognize those things.





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