Faithless and complacent

You know what I have never been able to truly come to terms with? The fact that I’m not perfect. My life has been everything but perfect. I know it sounds silly, because you know deep down that no one is perfect, and you know that each person has their share of problems, but it’s really hard to remember that when all you see is the person doing great, being so incredibly successful and have an amazing personality. Yes, I would say that I’m definitely envious of certain friends in my life, because they always seem to have it altogether so often. It’s like you want to scream from anger because you feel like you can’t ever be able to match up, get ahead, arrive, if you will.

Today is Good Friday. And out of the long list of fun things you can do on this holiday, there is one thing that you should never neglect: reflection of the cross, reflection of what Jesus really did for you, for me, for the world. Now, growing up in Cayman, a small, religious community, you hear this all the time; you hear the story of Jesus and the Gospel to the point of viewing it just as a story instead of freedom-giving, life-changing truth. You kinda just tune it out after awhile or don’t take it seriously because so many people try to shove the story down your throat and preach religion instead of love. It’s disappointing and heartbreaking to see the way Jesus gets pushed to the backburner day after day and how so many never stop to investigate the reality of Jesus for themselves. They probably either don’t understand the relevance of Him in their life, or don’t really believe that they could be changed in the first place. And honestly…

I would have to agree with them.

My whole life has been about perfectionism. The perfect grades, the perfect body, the perfect weight, the perfect hair, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect intern, the perfect Christian...and you know what? I’m sick of it. I’m beyond sick of it. I’ve gotten to the point to where I don’t even know who I am anymore, or maybe I never really did. I have allowed so many other things to rule my life and then expect myself to live my life perfectly with those things in charge.

I watch T.V. to distract myself from the reality of my own problems. Normal, I suppose, but not to the point of never actually spending time with Jesus and growing with Him.

I have this dual personality among my two groups of friends, my Christian friends and then my non-Christian friends. I’m one way with them and then another way with the other. And you know what? It’s not like I’m afraid to share my faith, it’s that I don’t want to call myself a Christian in front of them and then be held to the judgment standards when I mess up, when I live less than perfect. Guess what guys? I curse. I do. I curse more out of habit now than before, and I’m trying to work on that, but yeah, I curse. I don’t like it, but it’s a problem I have. After years of stressing myself out to the point of explosion, cursing seemed to suffice in the self-expression department. But what do non-Christians say about that? She’s a Christian? Yeah, right. See? That’s why I don’t do the whole Christian thing because they always say one thing and do another. They’re not really who they say they are. Well, I can’t really blame them. It’s like the whole shoving religion down my throat thing that every single child received growing up in Cayman—people claiming to come in the name of this god and then the real god and then they’re out at the club that night. Would you be inspired at that point? No. Neither would I.

I feel like I’m all over the place here, but what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I have this gaping hole in the middle of my identity (if it were a tangible thing). I fill myself with all these things that I think make me more fulfilled and all it ends up doing is leaving me more confused, more upset, more unfulfilled, more empty. But I don’t seek Jesus to fix that hole. I leave it. I give up on it because I believe it won’t ever go away. I believe deep down that I’ll always be in this place of wondering if I am truly saved in the first place (if I were truly saved, wouldn’t I be doing way better?), or wondering if Jesus is for me just as much as He is for my Christian friends that seem to have the perfect life from the outside looking in.

I’ve treated Jesus like a hyped-up fad, so popular one moment, and then forgetful the next. My whole life has been about coming to Jesus in the best way I understood at the time, running away, Him calling me back, me returning, and then becoming complacent, and then distracted and thus, disconnected from the Vine, and the cycle repeats itself. I am the queen of placing idols before Christ. And it makes me driven to the point of madness and absolute infuriation because if I truly did accept Jesus for who I believed in Him to be, would I live this way? What’s with my unfaithfulness? It’s so immature and further proves the point that I bear very little spiritual fruit. I bet if you asked me how I was doing with my paleo/food/Whole30/Crossfit passions, I could show you tons of fruit that I’ve produced from growth. But guess what? Those things are temporary.

How come I can devote so much of myself to things that are temporary but I can’t reach the place of fulfillment and joy to the things that last forever?

I have allowed myself to adopt the idea that I will never grow, that things will never change, that I’ll always be this mediocre Christian and never really be fully happy deep down. I’ve given up. I must have, otherwise I wouldn’t allow so many things to demand so much of my time and energy that distract me.

I want to be able to comfort myself, but I honestly just don’t know how.  

A lot can happen in 60 days

60 days of clean eating.

I never actually intended to do this challenge for 60 days from the beginning; I was going to do 30 days and then learn how to navigate with these new habits from there. But when I got to the end of my 30 days, I could feel within myself that my body wasn’t ready yet. I had this innate sense that I needed more time to adjust to these new habits before learning how to live outside of the “Whole30 Challenge” on my own.

So 60 days straight of clean eating? That's huge for me, considering I never thought I'd be able to go 6 days without a treat much less 60. I know, I know...you all have read my rants about Whole30 and my story, etc. etc. BUT, in this post, I would like to highlight some of the results the Whole30 Program provided me with during this journey! 

Even though I know my identity is no longer based on the whole "before and after pictures/measurements," I do want to share these things with you, so you can have tangible proof of the program's success and not just take my word for it. :) Plus, it's still pretty exciting to me to see these changes take place and receive improvement. It’s even more exciting to know that my confidence is not based on the victory of these things anymore, they're just a really great bi-product of focusing on what's really important: holistic health and wellness. 

*Before Whole30, I complained about the following:

• Cravings--emotionally triggered.
• Uninspired, lazy, unmotivated, negative, serious bouts of depression, unapproachable, unhappy
• Tired; just plain tired, physically, emotionally, mentally.
• Sleeping uneasily--not staying asleep, taking forever to fall asleep.
• Fluctuation between constipation and diarrhea.
• Energy slumps in the afternoon and mid-morning--blood sugar crashing. 
• Dark circles, few faint blemishes on the skin
• Foggy mind; inability to concentrate for long periods of time
• Gym performance--slower, tired, negative thoughts, longer time to recover, weaker.
• My thought process: "It's the weekend, that means I can binge."
• Weight gain--clothes fitting tighter and tighter
• Bloated tummy

*After Whole30, I rejoiced about the following:

•            My cravings no longer own me. I am no longer a slave to the random “hits” that would make me feel overwhelmed with the need for sugar. How did that happen? Well, besides the hard elimination of these “food with no brakes” from my diet completely (going cold turkey is always best), there were other strategies that Whole30 suggested in combatting the sugar dragon that you will find helpful for yourself too:

-H.A.L.T.

Which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When you’re faced with cravings, you should ask yourself these questions. Okay, I want a cookie right now. But am I really craving or am I just hungry? Am I angry or emotional? Am I lonely or bored? Am I tired? 99% of the time, after taking a moment to pause and ask yourself these questions and answer yes to one or more of them, you won’t want that cookie anymore, or you won’t go through with actually eating it, at least.

  -Cravings=stress and stress=cravings

Therefore, we can deduce that if we manage our stress, we would simultaneously manage our cravings. Right? Right. Think about it, what do we normally do when we’re fuming mad or super emotional and down? Comfort ourselves with food. If we change our root habit, we change the branches of that habit. So, I had to find ways of managing my stress without the use of food, and here are a few strategies that helped:

• Talk to someone you trust right away, someone that will truly be there for me in those moments of stressing out and feeling vulnerable.
• Go for a walk. However long or short, getting outside for a few minutes to walk it off and clear your head (and pray) helps so much.
• Make plans for what you can do that weekend/week for yourself. When people think about rewarding themselves, it usually involves food, but there are so many other ways you can celebrate/relax without the use of food. Make a plan for yourself to go get a massage, sign up for a special exercise/cooking/sport class you’ve been wanting to take, SLEEP, set aside a time to go out and read somewhere, go to the beach, go grab a movie with your friends/family, the list goes on. And really, if you’re a foodie like me, I find it relaxing to plan my healthy meals for the following week or jotting down ideas for my next travel plans (The Whole30 Dream Vacation) although it technically involves thinking about food, it’s not the same thing as eating food.

I could go on and on about how cravings = stress, but really all you have to remember at the end of the day is manage the stress that you can control in your life instead of thinking about the stress you can’t control. Manage your sleep habits (getting 7 hours minimum sleep every night), take care of the food on your plate (abiding by Whole30 standards), taking time to unwind in a non-food way…these things will definitely help you feel less stressed and more in control of your life than you feel you are when you’re overwhelmed and more tempted to cave into cravings.

•             I’m happy. I’m genuinely happier, brighter, more approachable, bubbly, friendlier, less stressed, motivated, inspired and empowered. How? I changed the food on my plate. What does that have to do with anything? Every single thing in your body (and mind) starts with food. I can’t emphasize this enough: your mental outlook, your emotions, your attitude…ALL tied to FOOD. Try it if you don’t believe me. I can’t wait to see how shocked you’ll be.

• I’m definitely not tired anymore. Of course I get tired because I’m a human being. But before Whole30, I was sluggish and falling asleep at my wheel, at my desk, and was hit hard by mid-morning and mid-afternoon energy slumps. But with the establishment and practice of healthy sleep habits every night, my body readjusted and began to set its own natural alarm clock. I no longer have to hit the snooze button 5 times. In fact, I’m awake right at 6:00 a.m. every morning before my alarm even goes off. When I wake up, I feel good. Sure, I rub my eyes and feel a little tired, but it’s not the same; I have boundless energy for my 6:30 a.m. Crossfit class and I’m ready to take on my day.

• My poop is regular. That definitely feels so much better, haha!

•           Whole30 said people would be noticing a different “glow” about me during this transformation, and they couldn’t have been more right. I keep getting compliments that I’m “glowing,” that my skin is brighter, clearer, when it really wasn’t even that bad before! My eyes are brighter with less dark circles than before. My smile is more genuine, and honestly, prettier because that too is brighter! In fact, I’m pretty sure my teeth are whiter, haha.

•       My gym performance has improved dramatically. I don’t feel tired to the point of dying when I work out. Of course you feel beat down in the moment, but I recover quickly afterwards and have more “push” in the midst of those workouts. I feel faster, healthier, stronger and it shows. Mentally, I have more within myself to keep pushing harder, to keep going, to have more grace with myself, to actually believe in myself.

•      And obviously, it goes without saying that in the midst of all these changes, I saw one of the best measurements of proof—the loose-fitting clothes. At first I saw little changes here and there, but nothing dramatic per say, seeing as how I was already eating a paleo-based diet beforehand (minus the binge moments) and doing Crossfit consistently, so my body wasn’t necessarily shocked by the Whole30 as far as weight loss goes (but omg everything else was!). However, as time went on some more during these 60 days and I started to pay attention to my portion controls via “The Zone”, I saw the clothes getting baggier and baggier. Needless to say, it felt great. I was gaining muscle, but still losing weight/inches, therefore becoming leaner. That’s a hard thing to do, guys! No more bloated tummy!

I finally look in the mirror and love what I see on the inside and it makes me love the outside.

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

Left: Day 1, Feb. 2015

Right: Day 60, March 2015

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"
1 Samuel 16:7

Grace, up close and personal

Guys, I am at a loss for words to describe how grateful I am for the grace of God, the continual, undeserving, unending, powerful, genuine, fulfilling and purging grace of God. I celebrated my very first Whole60 this past Friday, March 20^th. That. Is. Crazy. Do you know how big of a deal that is? Do you have any idea how big of a deal that is for someone like me? Let us refresh with some of my words back in October 2014, before I started my very first Whole30…

“I just gave you my entire story of being controlled by food and its powerful ability to mess up my emotions. You can see there is a long history of change that has been needing to happen for quite some time now. My cravings do control me and the idea of not being able to have a "treat" meal (why do we call eating bad things a treat?) once a week scares the crap out of me because I'm afraid of how hard that will be, the repercussions of withdrawal………but isn't that a good thing? Of course, when I take a step back and not think about the brownie cookie and chocolate cheesecake I had today and how delicious they were, then yeah, I know it's best. But man…that Waterfront Cinnamon Roll….how could you not want to eat that? That's what makes me so angry at myself as well. I know I shouldn't eat it. I'm even reading Whole30's guideline book, It Starts With Food, detailing every single reason why these foods are bad for us and what they do to our bodies and I still eat it. *smack my head.*” (9/29/14, My messed-up, topsy turvy, up and down, all around personal health story).

When I re-read that post, among other journal/blog entries of me pouring out my soul in desperation for change, I kind of cringe inside. In fact, I would even say I’m a bit embarrassed, even ashamed. I remember so vividly being the person that was so concerned about my bodily aesthetics. I mean, look at my blog posts back then! It’s sad. It’s really sad because I just sound like a trivial girl only concerned about numbers, PRs, measurements, percentages, bla bla bla. I sound like there was no other depth to me than that…and because of the person I am now, five months later, that makes me very sad. That’s not who I am anymore, and I never want anyone to ever associate me with being that old person. I’ve even considered taking down those old posts because if you listen to the voice I had then versus the voice I have now, they’re different. They’re night and day. Something was missing in my posts five months ago that is no longer missing now.

Quite simply, it was Jesus.

“I’ve learned that my identity isn’t tied to before-and-after pictures, measurements, and gains and losses, but is rooted so much deeper than that. You created this program for those seeking healing, whole healing and I joined your wagon wanting that healing just as much as the millions of others who have come to experience Whole30. However, Melissa Hartwig, your program revealed a lot more inside of me than inflammation, hormonal imbalance, a compromised gut, and psychological disruption. In addition to those ailments, I discovered brokenness, craters, holes, scars, buried pains, insecurities, and doubt that were left out to dry, with no hope of water. The Whole30 has been a very real, powerful and pivotal tool in extending the healing that God so badly longs to give to us, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.” (3/17/15, Dear Melissa: I got up from my table).

If you read my post I wrote in September, My messed-up, topsy turvy, up and down, all around personal health story, and pay attention to the way I wrote it, the way I spoke, what I spoke about, etc. and compare it to my recent post of me sharing my story, with the perspective of having done the Whole60, the difference is shocking.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

As I shared in my post Dear Melissa: I got up from my table, I come from a background of no longer wanting to be alive because of how much self-hatred I had towards myself, all tied to the successes or failures of my diet and exercise. Food controlled my life. I distinctly remember coming home every day, one week before starting my very first Whole30, and breaking into my family’s piggy bank of tons of coins to make $5.00 here, $6.00 there to pay for a cookie one day, a cinnamon roll the next day…Now if that doesn’t sound like a crack addict, I don’t know what does. I lived in darkness, guys. Darkness covered me more than my own shame and self-pity, every single day. And you know what?

I don’t want to forget it. I never want to forget that place, that person, those memories, those feelings. I will never remove those olds posts that have the voice of the old me because it further proves the point of Jesus’ transformation in my heart, in my life, in my mind, in my body. At the end of the day, I was that person. I may cringe, and feel a tad embarrassed re-reading those things, but then I replace those feelings with gratitude, extreme gratitude from the grace that has been given to me.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Psalm 18

So, what did I do to celebrate my Whole60?

 I reflected.

I remembered where I came from: the horrors I went through for years, the thoughts that would consume me and choke me with emotions of worthlessness, emotions that I thought I would never shake. I never believed victory was mine and never would be. But Jesus died for a lot more than I thought—he died for all the chains of enslavement to perfectionism that I for so long held hard and fast to, even if I didn’t want to.

I learned that the difference this time around is that Christ became my source of freedom and power. Finally, I understood it—I can’t free myself.

So, with face to floor, I cried out, begging Him to help me let go of the unrealistic standards I held myself to. I changed to focus on whole living, holistic health, the long-awaited rehabilitation and healing of my insides, the rejuvenation of my very dry, cracked, and broken desert-land of a heart. And in return, I got a rushing waterfall of love. I was no longer fulfilled by the temporary and cheap comfort of a sugar spike, but by the lasting, real and personal reassurance that I have been promised an abundant life (John 10:10) and real wellness (Luke 17:19).

I have been made well, and am continually being made well every day. The only way I can continue on, though, is to stop striving with my own strength and understanding, and remember where I came from, remember exactly Who did the rescuing, Who did the freeing and rest assured in that.

Jesus is my biggest fan. But for the first time, thank God, I can say…

So am I.