Day 0: Whole30 goals, dreams, prayers, fears and all in between

So, as part of my pre-Whole30 preparation, I have been instructed to write down my goals, my fears, my expectations, etc. before starting this journey tomorrow. Today, day 0, the calm before the storm. Okay, seriously? Stop it. Thinking about this 30 day process like that will only make me enter viewing it like a child having their toy taken away for a month, not rehabilitation, which is what this actually is. It's for my own good, so suck it up, Buttercup, and stop thinking about it as something painful or impossible.

First thing is first: goals. Goals made should be attainable/doable, specific and detailed. Say the goal and how you plan to accomplish it.

My Whole30 Goals:

I want to my own Whole30 to be about healing. It is one of my goals to remember this fact every day, for the next 30 days and beyond. 

1) I will plan out each of my meals to the best of my ability and ensure that they are prepared ahead of time so that no emotional breakdowns occur due to hunger. My plan of action includes me thinking of what I'll eat for dinner the night before so I can prepare accordingly by defrosting the protein, etc. in the morning before work, cutting vegetables already, etc. Also, I plan to pack my snacks for work in the morning before I head out.

2) I will get at least 6-8 hours of sleep every single night; good sleep, before midnight.

3) I will not include fruit juice as a part of my challenge, even though it is allowed. The reason for this decision is because I know that I personally use fruit/fruit juice as my replacement when I'm craving sugar, so I want to step away from that, cutting off my source, cold-turkey.

4) I will have some fruit (low in sugar) during my 30 days, but only every other day. My focus is to engage in vegetables as much as possible, especially green vegetables.

5) I will "reward" myself once a week with a starchy carb of my choice after a workout. I don't usually eat them because I'm trying to lose weight and they're more friendly to people that are already at their goal body composition. My plan is to cook this rewarding treat after my Saturday morning workouts and include it with my brunch or breakfast. I'm already daydreaming about the Paleo Diner-Style Home Fries made by Melissa Joulwan on her blog, The Clothes Make The Girl (check her out!). I can't wait to make them!

6) I have learned from previous experience that fat actually does make you fat...when you have too much of it on your plate. Crossfit trainers and paleo eaters will say that fat doesn't make you fat, carbs makes you fat and that is 100% true. However, I know I was overdoing it on my portions sizes with fat. I needed to stay full at each meal, so I figured that I should put a lot of it, what was the harm? But, fat happens to be dense. 20 almonds is crazy for a snack because it has tons of calories; yes, good calories, but calories nonetheless. I know during my Whole30 I have to stick to "dollop" avocado/guac portions, or very minimal amounts of mixed nuts (macadamia and cashews preferably), and my oils to be 1-2 tbsp.

7) Avoiding: dried fruit, fruit juice, goat cheese, sheep's milk, mixed nuts.

8) What is one thing a week that I can do to de-stress and celebrate me that is not associated with food? Pick one thing each week and do it. Ex: Going to the beach and tanning, having tea outside in the afternoon, reading, getting a massage, etc.

My Whole30 Dreams and Prayers:

To be free.

Of course there are the surface dreams of loss in body weight, body fat, toned body (I know that I won't look like my trainers in 30 days, but hey, one can dream about it, haha). And then there's the dream of just feeling better in general. I don't know how to explain it other than just not feeling good. I don't feel well. I don't feel like my body is my own. I feel heavy, bloated, grouchy, depressed, upset, anxious, negative, constipated and tired, really tired. It sucks.

The part that is most deceptive about feeling this bad is that I still seem to do pretty okay in my workouts; I move well, move fairly quickly, PR in pretty much each lift, but when I take a look at my external and pay attention to how my insides feel, nothing has changed. I've plateaued. I haven't moved in loss of body fat and weight in months even with me eating paleo 95% of the time (and the other 5% being overcarbsumption during my treat meals). Something's wrong. Something's out of whack. I'm tired of it, and yet I am still so very much enslaved to these cravings. I think the scariest part about all of this is knowing exactly what that cinnamon roll, frozen yogurt, brownie, cookie, cheesecake and pizza do to me with all its grains, sugar and dairy and I still choose to eat it. I still say yes, somehow justifying it in the moment and have NOTHING but regret afterwards. I don't know how it happens. I don't know why I can't understand these foods for what they really are and walk away. I'm a drug addict and I sneak around and keep it a secret from everyone and scurry around for extra money to support the habit. It's pathetic. It's scary. It's real.

And finally, my biggest dream, my biggest prayer is to be free from these cravings, to be in full control of my own body, my own mind and not be held captive by false desires. I so badly desire healing. I want healing in my gut, I want healing in my blood, my mind, my heart, my bones, my skin, my hair, my intestines, my everywhere.

I know it might sound weird, but somehow, I do picture the future me and she isn't like this Nikki that sits here right now. I picture myself more committed to my diet, more committed to my health, stronger mentally, encouraged, inspirational and not feeling so hypocritical, athletically fit, and just...happy. So, am I going to be happy when I "arrive" at the body I want? I hope not. I hope it doesn't take me having to "arrive" to feel happy. But I do know that Whole30 is the start to that journey. I do know that Whole30 is the start to the freedom that I imagine for myself. How do I face food? How do I know how much to have and when to have it (as in "treats")? How do I say no to things that aren't good for me without having the battle of cravings in my mind?

I'm desperate for change. I'm desperate for healing. And I need it now. I pray that I somehow recognize these positive changes along the way during this next month that keeps me encouraged. It isn't just about the scale, but the victory that comes on the inside. I want to see those differences to know just how much this is working for me. I pray I recognize those things.

My messed-up, topsy turvy, up and down, all around personal health story

I have had an extraordinary life. I have a family that has loved me unconditionally and supported me with literally whatever I wanted to do, I have been to the best schools and graduated with the highest honors, made amazing friends that have been true, faithful and forgiving, I have had the chance to travel and see beautiful places that I'll never forget, live on a breath-taking island that is easy-going and yet productive…lots and lots to smile about.

But one thing I've never felt okay with is my body. Yeah, I grew up on Wendy's every day after school, Burger King every morning before school, disgusting calorie-ridden, nutrition-stripped school lunches, dietitians preaching whole grains, dairy, and legumes as vital sources of health, Weight Watchers promising better health with weight lost, Slim Fast promising satiety with their icky shakes, calorie restriction, calorie counting, Subway diet….one bad turn after another. I started thinking about my weight when I was 12 years old (not a bad time, I suppose; that age seems pretty normal). What doesn't seem normal is the fact that it consumed me. I hated being the bigger friend. I hated being the one that felt odd in my circle because I was a size 12 and everyone else was a 6. I hated feeling like the ugly and less interesting duckling because I wasn't an "exotic" person that moved here from the states and had the skinny white-girl genes that everyone crushed on. It was annoying, it was pathetic, it was the foundation of my depression. 

Skip ahead of March 2011, my freshman year of college. I had gained about 30 pounds. I know, right? Freshman 15? Puh-lease. More like Freshman 30. I joined Weight Watchers. I finally took my health into my own hands and joined this community that promised to make me lose weight, and become the skinny girl I've always dreamed of being. I started out fine. Weight Watchers was a dream. Eat anything I want as long as I count the points each day? Heck yes! That meant Ben & Jerry's FroYo, Lays Baked Doritos, Tater Tots, Wheat toast, Thin & Crispy pizza…no probe, all do-able because I had to just count the points for each item and not go over. I saw results too. I think between March 2011 and July 2013, I had just about taken off the 30 that I had gained my freshman year. I would LIVE for that scale; weighing in every Friday morning to see my trickle-down effect of 1 lb. here or 2 lb. shed there…it was motivating. 

Skip ahead to July 2013. Sure, I had been losing weight, but I still wasn't feeling, oh, I don't know…healthy. Something in me just wasn't feeling "optimal." But then my friend Jade, she looked amazing! I was seeing some awesome results with her fitness regimen and I wanted in and soon. What was she doing? Crossfit. I had heard of it, knew nothing about it. She started describing some of the things that they did and how effective it was. She had seen results so fast, and based off of one conversation, I started later that July. I went into Crossfit not knowing what to expect for myself. I got my measurements and weight taken and was told we could check again before I went off to school in late August. Wow, really? That's going to be a change from my weekly weight check-up. But okay, whatever. Matt, my fellow church worship team member, was the owner. I had forgotten he owned it! Perfect! Someone I know already in this new, scary place! He showed us the beginnings and foundational methodology and movements of Crossfit. He said from the very beginning that I moved very well, I was a natural and had one of the best squats he had ever seen. Obviously, I was pumped. This was going to be good, I thought. Then came the nutrition talk.

"Paleo. You know, caveman diet…" Uhhh, no...I don't know what Paleo is. Paleo comes from the term Paleolithic--the time of our ancestors that would hunt and gather their food, all natural, no toxins, hormones, antibiotics, junk ingredients, etc. It came from the earth, somehow made edible through ingenuity and went into the bodies of our very fit and very optimally healthy relatives. What does that tell you? That means bread and all its associations, refined sugar, processed foods, legumes, dairy and alcohol are a no-no. They are not natural, and the ingredients in them that do come from the earth do not settle well in the systems of human beings (like wheat, for instance, which have phytates in them naturally, which are ANTINUTRIENTS and bind to any mineral or vitamin found in wheat and making them absolutely useless in the human body not to mention how they're not worth eating because of the havoc they wreak on your intestinal lining).

Learning all of this new information made me freak out. What the heck was I going to do now?! I had been so used to eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and now I was being told that the real way to eat was protein, carb and fat and they ALL had to be derived from the natural, unharmed source  (making it paleo with no added junk to it). That actually made sense. I strongly believed in the message of paleo, but how was I ever going to adhere to it? How was I ever going to stick to it fully? I did my best for one month and to my surprise, the weight and inches dropped off considerably. My body fat percentage went down 2%. I couldn't believe how drastically different I looked in just one month and I know it was because of the way I was eating, not just Crossfit. My body loved this new way of eating, but those controlling cravings still existed. I still had treat meals every weekend, once a week. I had never gone strict paleo for more than 6 days. How in the world was I going to make this a lifestyle?

I spent one year of battling it out with eating paleo. Now, don't get me wrong, I eat paleo in every single one of my meals (granted my portions sizes are a little out of whack). The trouble is, I would make little slips here and there, little compromises then and now, and still have gorge-fests as treat meals. My mindset wasn't different. My body had kind of plateaued. I wasn't happy. I was still controlled by my emotions and cravings, and I hated it. I hated myself for it. I was so bitter, so angry, so resentful of everyone, everything…I gave up, or at least definitely felt like it. Even at the Crossfit I was going to in Tampa before I graduated (shout-out to my Crossfit Hyde Park peeps!), the girls there were making strides with their lifts, PRing this weight, doing all these things I wasn't able to do yet (like pull-ups) and I was so jealous; I felt so sorry for myself…it wasn't until I completed one of the Crossfit Open workouts, "14.5", that I truly felt on top of the world. I completed the workout RXed with one of the best female times in the entire gym. That was a pretty stellar feeling. Even more so, that was the first time I truly felt like an athlete and was told by one of my coaches, Alberto. That will always mean so much to me because it was the start of a change in my outlook on my journey.

Skip ahead to this summer. I came home. Things are always hard when you graduate and come home from college. I had a job, I quit. I had a relationship, it wasn't working. I had bills, no money. I had lost weight, I gained some of it back. I was doing well with my habits and cravings, they got the better of me again. Things were hard. They're still hard. But I guess I got sick of complaining and just screamed for a change. Desperation really does make you decide wholeheartedly to do something for a change. One of my goals since I started eating paleo was to commit to the Whole30 Challenge and do it before the end of 2014. The trick to Whole30 is that you cannot slip for those 30 days (which I've never been successfully able to do before) so that your body has a fair chance to reset and heal itself free from any interruptions from the bad foods we eat. Well, I wasn't going to miss out on Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, so October was the only option and unlike one year ago, this time I'm ready.

Sometimes I go back and forth with that statement, but I know deep down I want this. I just gave you my entire story of being controlled by food and its powerful ability to mess up my emotions. You can see there is a long history of change that has been needing to happen for quite some time now. My cravings do control me and the idea of not being able to have a "treat" meal (why do we call eating bad things a treat?) once a week scares the crap out of me because I'm afraid of how hard that will be, the repercussions of withdrawal………but isn't that a good thing? Of course, when I take a step back and not think about the brownie cookie and chocolate cheesecake I had today and how delicious they were, then yeah, I know it's best. But man…that Waterfront Cinnamon Roll….how could you not want to eat that? That's what makes me so angry at myself as well. I know I shouldn't eat it. I'm even reading Whole30's guideline book, It Starts With Food, detailing every single reason why these foods are bad for us and what they do to our bodies and I still eat it. *smack my head.*

That's what I did today. I've been having mini panic attacks on the inside and have been dealing with them through eating the crap I would normally leave for a once a week meal, but I've been having something for the past three days before Oct. 1. Well, I won't be able to have it for 30 days, so better eat it now….that's scary. That sounds like a drug addict problem. I literally make plans to take money out of my stash change jar and make dollar amounts out of it so I can go buy something sweet with it. Seriously? From a coin jar? Definitely hooked on "crack" and not able to afford the habit--financially or physically. I know it's wrong, yet I don't stop. I want change, I want the results, I want the reset button to change my system from the inside out so I don't have these controlling cravings anymore. I want to finally be able to control them! AHHHHHHHHH!

What if Whole30 doesn't work? What if I do everything right and it doesn't work? Lord, that's the scariest part for me. I ask myself if I truly want it to work. Do I want my cravings to be reset and my body to be healed? Do I finally want to be able to look at myself and celebrate the non-scale victory instead of looking at my stretch marks and pulling at my loose body fat? Yeah. I'll miss those sweet things I guess. But I won't miss what they do to me. And it's about perspective change, right? Am I really willing to sacrifice my health for the sense of taste? Don't I want to finally reach that goal I've been working for since I was 12? Sure, the goal isn't skinny anymore, but the goal has always been to be fit and optimally healthy deep down, I just never knew it.

Another final, but certainly not least component of my story is how Jesus fits in. I never included him in on my health goals up until now. I'm doing a crummy job at the moment, but I do know that when I started asking for guidance and strength in this, my mind started to back away from the things that made me so enslaved to it (sugar) and be happy to choose the healthier options. I want that again, Lord. I want that mindset eternally. That is why I hope this Whole30 for me is incredibly mind- blowingly holy as well.

My advice to anyone out there that has any similarities to my story at all: "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."-Socrates